Blinky Pelosi Takes Over Washington

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington, DC)

BULLETIN: The mob moves back into Washington. Blinky Pelosi, who looked like she went to the mattress one too many times, replaced Dennis Hastert as Speaker of the House. Sitting behind George Bush and to the left of Dick Cheney the other night, it was apparently too much for her to coordinate her jack-in-box movements and her cud chewing with the incessant blinkings of her raccoon peepers. With the clock on her, she averaged 25-30 blinks per minute. With Cheney blinking at 3-5 times a minute, the race for eyelid diplomacy was over before it started.

Blinky can trace her funky head movements back to Mafioso gangsta, Vito "Chicken Head" Gurino; her eyes to"Cockeyed Phil" Lombardo and "Jimmy the Weasel" Fratianno. She claims she inherited her ability to go up and down from mobsters, Tony "The Ant" Spilotro and "The Odd Father," Vincent Giganto. What is it about those gangstas and their nicknames? They sure can pick out great monikers for each other. I can't believe someone hasn't made a movie about the Mafioso. They could win an Oscar with that kind of material to work with.

It was gratifying to hear that Blinky and Jack "The Iron Dove" Murtha are going over to Iraq to check out the war. Can't imagine how the troops will welcome them. I really hope that they make it back on time to talk to another idiot with a catchy name, "Wolf" Blitzer of CNN. Makes you want to jump in bed with a mongoose, doesn't it?

Just The Usual Suspects

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Baghdad)

BULLETIN: Let me be the first to point out that if nothing else, Nancy Pelosi's riveting set of raccoon eyes has diverted attention from the fact that she has ramshackle ovaries and clapboard breasts. Although I haven't been asked by Don Trump to supply him material for his verbal war with Rosie O'Donnell, I think that he has fallen far short in his efforts to depict her for what she really is; a loosely tethered, loudmouth Goodyear blimp. With all this talk about global warming, can you imagine how much warmer it would be if she weren't here to block out the sun? She doesn't have a chin. She has an overflow system. When your third set of jowls overlap your cleavage. you know that you have a weight problem.

Please stop me when you think that I have gone too far. But how much more can a man take? Like most of you, I always try to step on an attacking rat before I get RF'ed. But now that the liberals have taken over, does anyone besides me feel like we have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peeling? The light at the end of the tunnel is the caboose going in another direction. With most of our media being made up of pimply faced, pencil-necked geeks, who by and large, squat to pee whether male or female, it seems that the only way we will ever win the war on terror is by praying for a camel stampede.

The only way that I can get out of this mood is by glancing at my "What would Muttley do" bracelet. No matter how many times he is thwarted, he never gives up in his quest to shoot down Yankee Doodle Pidgeon. Thank God for his inspiration. Yeh,yeh, yeh, yeh!

Muslim Cabbies Refuse Dog Fares

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Minneapolis)

DOGITIN: The citizens of Minneapolis are fed up with Islamic Somalian cabbies who refuse to allow passengers carrying alcohol or blind folks with dogs in their cabs. It seems that over 80 percent of the Twin City cabbies are Somalian refuges, some who say that the Qur'an prohibits them from accepting passengers with alcohol. Also, because they consider dogs impure, they are concerned that one of these panting caregivers who has just finished licking his genital region might throw saliva on him, thus making him unfit for the 72 virgins who are waiting for him in the great cab in the sky.

I think the alcohol thing is stretching the Qur'an a bit. On one hand though, I do have some sympathy with their issue on dogs. Like Rodney Dangerfield, I have a wife who won't drink from a cup which my lips have touched, yet she will let Fido slobber all over her face after he has spent the previous 10 minutes snarfing for cooties or whatever. One can only imagine the logic of that. But on the other hand, most of these Somalians came from a region where a man could play tonsil hockey with a dyspeptic camel and not raise an eyebrow. It's a hard one to judge. Why don't you make the call?

I do know one thing for a fact. You will never see a Somalian cab driver in Korea. Imagine one of these ragheads trying to make a living where nearly everyone he talks to has doggy breath? I certainly would never suggest to the citizens of Minneapolis that they emulate the Koreans. But I guarantee you that those Somalians would seek new job positions or move to a dog free zone if they did. If you don't believe me, take a ride to Little Korea in Los Angeles. There are two things you can count on that you won't see; dogs or Somalian cab drivers.

For better or for worse, the offices of the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL will never close while issues of this importance cloud the concerns of my ever devoted devotees. Take care of your puppies and they will take care of you.

The Colonel Goes to Korea

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Seoul)

BULLETIN: Now that McMuttleys has established a fido based foothold in Korea, it didn't take long for another USA based fastfood giant to enter the market. Yes, dedicated devotees, the Colonel has invaded Korea. With KFC (Korean Fryed Canine) now looking for restaurant sites in this purgatory for mutts, even the skinniest of canines is afraid to bark lest he(she) be grabbed by lurking dog nappers looking to score an easy buck.

Before I continue on that subject, I want to address what some devotee's describe as my fixation on sheep. Concomitant with that observation, it appears that some readers are blaming me for their bouts with insomnia because when they attempt to count sheep in order to induce sleep, they now are flooded with the images of lonely sheepherders looking for love in all the wrong places. Believe me, I am not saying that it is morally right. But until you spend six months herding sheep in areas so remote that your mind starts to play tricks on your libido, I would suggest you count more and complain less. Other than that, your thoughts and reflections on my perceived fixation have been well received by the editor.

BULLETIN REVISITED: I have been assured by North Korea President, Kim Jung IL, that he will never allow KFC in his country because they finished off the last dog more than 10 years ago when he instituted his infamous "bark no more" program. Will the last dog left standing please turn out the lights so my devotees can go to sleep.