Convert or Die, Stinkin Infidels !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: "We were forced to convert to Islam at gunpoint," Fox News reporter, Steve Centanni said. "It was something we felt we had to do because they had the guns, and we didn't know what the hell was going on."

As you recall, I mentioned that I, too had converted to Islam this past week. Since then I have related to JOURNAL readers the profiling problems that I incurred while playing golf. Being called a "camel jockey" or a "raghead" is not fun, especially when you are trying to sink a four foot slider for a bogey. But I do have to say that knowing that I have 72 nubile hotties waiting for me at the great 19th hole in the sky makes it easier to swallow.

As a card-carrying Muslim, I found it very disappointing that Steve Centanni and his side-kick, Olaf Wilg, had to be forced at gunpoint to join this piece loving religion. (Pun not intended) Evidently their captors failed to mention the ancillary benefits that ultimately convinced me that I was on the right trail of those elusive varmints sequestered somewhere in the great beyond.

What should have been a "where do I sign" situation became a very nasty incident that only demonstrates to the neo-cons that the pathologic fascists of this religion are bogged down. Instead of trying to sell the sizzle, they are attempting to sell a tough steak. They evidently have never heard of Dale Carnegie. Maybe we should air lift a few million copies to the ragheads (OOPS!) that's me....Damn, I still have a hard time believing that I exchanged my golf trolley for a camel.

Signing off........

BILLINGSGATE VICTIM OF MUSLIM PROFILING

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: One day after Dr. B converted to Islam he was accused of cheating while playing golf with his "Christian" golf partners. As you know, all practicing Muslims must kneel down five times a day facing Mecca and pray. By extraordinary coincidence, each of the five times I knelt down my ball was either in the rough or under a tree branch that impeded my swing. By the time I had renewed myself spiritually, miraculously my ball position had changed for the better, allowing me to have a decent go at the ball.

Fair minded people would call this Divine Intervention. My partners chose the low road and accused me of cheating. Once I was accused of violating Rule 13-3 (Building a stance) just because I stood on my prayer rug while addressing the ball. Now I know how Craig Stadler felt when he did this to protect his trousers from getting soiled a few years ago. I did it to keep my golf slippers clean.

Then they started on the camel head I use to protect my driver. I don't get it. Tiger Woods can use a tiger, and not a peep from anyone. Just because I'm a Muslim, I have to take this crap. I don't know how Mohammed Ali handled this after he converted to Islam. I can't recall anyone jumping on his shorts just because he was a Muslim. I guess that was before 9/11.

Speaking of camels, can you imagine how tiresome it is to get on and off your dromedary before and after each shot? No wonder you see so few of us playing golf.

The Doctor wishes you all a bombless weekend.

Al-Jareeza: BILLINGSGATE Conversion Coup for Islam

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: A story that was first reported by Al-Jareeza has now been confirmed by Reuters: The internationally respected, conservative pundit known to millions of readers as Dr. BILLINGSGATE, has converted to Islam. Considered a coup for a beleaguered religion that was in need of an infusion of respectability, the addition of this intellectual giant could change the universal perception of Muslims as being antediluvian ragheads with a penchant for camels. The acception of Islam by the over educated Doctor, who admits to at least eleven Doctorates in fields as diverse as Animal Husbandry and Taxidermy, should not startle anyone familiar with the writings that appear in the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL.

BILLINGSGATE, who when asked to identify the person who best exemplifies the spirit of the 20th century, picked Curly, the affable idiot of Three Stooges fame. Dr. B, in his writings, has often repeated the mantra made famous by his hero; "I'm trying to think, but nothing happens."

It is expected that the rulers of most Middle Eastern countries, especially the blood thirsty Jihadists, wacko imans and counter revolutionary mujahidin left over from the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, will quickly embrace Dr. BILLINGSGATE as part of their attempt to convince the Western world that smoke is more revealing than fire.

As a lifetime Christian, it is lamentable that the good doctor has chosen to cast his lot with those who laugh at death because 72 virgins await to give them individual toe massages in the great hereafter. But as I grow older the thought of jumping in the rack with a bevy of quail willing to grant me the pleasures I deserve becomes more plausible. One billion Muslims cannot all be wrong.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Paranoia City)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Who are you rooting for, the Jews or the Ragheads?....Mel Gibson

Dear Mel,

One question. Is you, or is you ain't, anti-semitic? I can't believe that if Jack Daniels were alive today that he would condone you using his whiskey as an excuse for that kind of diatribe. For your penance I want you to kiss bin Laden's ass after he dismounts from his camel.

By the way, it's not politically correct to call Islamo Fascists, Ragheads. I guess you don't know Jack.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Are you really afraid of Sheik Hassan Nasrullah, or are you just putting us on about that fatwah crap?..... KNUK! KNUK! WOOB! WOOB! and THONK!.....Curley (Three Stooges)

Dear Curley,

Good question. I'm trying to think, but nothing happens.

Goodnight from the Doctor

GENERAL QUARTERS !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Bunker, Somewhere Southwest of Vegas)

GENERAL QUARTERS! GENERAL QUARTERS!

Man your battle stations. Dr. BILLINGSGATE is under attack. I repeat. Dr. BILLINGSGATE is on the run. The fatwah issued by Hezbollah leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah has been imposed. As I type from my underground bunker somewhere southeast of Las Vegas there are 11 Egyptian students who were scheduled to enroll in Montana State University in Bozeman who are unaccounted for.

In late July, after arriving at JFK Airport on a flight from Cairo with their student visas, they disappeared into the soft underbelly of New York City after seeking sanctuary at Fordham University, a once proud Jesuit institution newly festooned with the sobriquet, "The Creighton of the Bronx." Aware of the fatwah issued on yours truly, the Head of the Department of Home Security, Michael Chertoff immediately called me and since then, I have been on the run.

BULLETIN: Sorry for the interruption. But this unrelated late breaking story just came over the wires:

Reuters--Scientists in Iran have cloned a sheep. Although the lamb died minutes after birth, the clonologists refused to confirm rumors that Michael Moore attempted to assist the lamb with mouth to mouth resuscitation. According to reliable witnesses, when the lamb saw Michael Moore pursing his lips prior to his attempted slobber job, the poor lamb went into shock and never recovered. It was reported that Dolly, the original British sheep clone, sent her condolences.

BACK TO BUSINESS: Although Dr. BILLINGSGATE is more at ease now that the Department of Home Security is involved with watching my ass, I am still somewhat wary when I see camel mounted Egyptian Ragheads charging down the road. I never thought that I would feel under siege here in America, but here I am in Paranoia City, Nevada, waiting for the final Apocalyptic solution; Toastada City for the Doctor.

Could it be Sayonara for the Doctor? Keep you posted.