Fatwa heats up. Camel dung flung.

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

LATE BREAKING BULLETIN: The office of the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL was pelted late this afternoon with camel dung flung from the rear window of speeding camels driven by whom bystanders said were wild-eyed turban head fanatics. No license numbers were observed. Police said without this information their hands were tied because of new Federal Security Act provisions that prohibit intercepting camel driving terrorists without probable cause.

This may seem flabbergasting to die hard conservatives. But as the ACLU points out, owning a camel doesn't make you a terrorist. Makes you want to take law into your own hands, doesn't it?

NOTE: This may be a story that has legs. More to follow.

BILLINGSGATE faces Muslim fatwa

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Damascus)

BULLETIN: Dr. BILLINGSGATE faced the full fury of the Muslim world yesterday as his long festering feud with these international camel fornicators finally erupted into a full fledged fatwa against the beloved intellectual renegade known to loyal followers as "The DOCTOR."

There were street demonstrations and BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL burnings in the Middle East. Libya joined Saudi Arabia in calling for a total ban of the JOURNAL from GOOGLE and other facilitators of "Western Filth." The Muslim Advocates Against BILLINGSGATE (MAAB) went so far as to declaring The DOCTOR off limits to card carrying members of the International Union of Professional Virgins. BILLINGSGATE escalated by withdrawing his support for their right to have sexual congress with members of the International Union of Dromedary Desert Walkers.

That action, to pardon the pun, was evidently the straw that broke the camel's back. The outcry that followed the publication of The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie in 1988 was nothing compared to the onslaught of condemnation and hair pulling by those who enjoy this Middle Eastern sexual ritual. For the more gifted of my readers, it should be quite evident that the slang word, "humping" bases its etymology on this perverse practice. Why they chose to blame the messenger for revealing this interesting penchant is beyond me.

The issue continues to boil, with Imams denouncing BILLINGSGATE from their pulpits. AL Gore-Zeera, while usually a neutral member of the Islamic media, inflamed pent-up Muslim anger at the good Doctor by demanding a retraction of the counter fatwa issued by BILLINGSGATE. In the USA, the Muslim Council of Detroit, whose leaders frequently can be found trolling the Dromedary section of the local zoo, deplored the vilification of this harmless pastime.

LATE BREAKING BULLETIN: A spokesperson for Dr. BILLINGSGATE, while insisting that the good Doctor will not be intimidated, stated that he has been authorized to remove the counter fatwa if MAAB allows BILLINGSGATE immediate access to members of the International Union of Professional Virgins.

And so another international crisis has been nipped in the bud. As Rodney King said, "Can't we all just get along"?

Kobe Scores 81 Against Raptors

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Los Angeles)

BULLETIN: As far as coincidences go, the fact that Kobe Bryant scored 81 Points against the Toronto Raptors last night was a doozey. Wasn't it just over a year ago that as a Raper he scored a reverse layup on a young chick who was found out of position, bent over a chair in a Colorado resort hotel? I BEG YOUR PARDON! Am I the only one who connects these events?

Footnote: Although he scored, he was disqualified for using two balls in his effort.

Back to serious sports chatter: Kobe left the floor last night with the fans at the Staples Center screaming, "MVP! MVP!" How soon they forget what Wilt Chamberlain did on March 2, 1962 in Hershey, Pennsylvania, when the Philadelphia Warriors played the New York Knicks. Before a small crowd of 4124 (which incidently is approximately 20% of the number of female basketball fans that he claims he serviced in his earthly career) Wilt scored 100 points in the greatest single performance in NBA history.

Interestingly, a lot of the fans who witnessed this amazing spectacle did not come to see Wilt. In this football stronghold many of them came to see the preliminary game between players from the Philadelphia Eagles and the Baltimore Colts of the NFL. The appearance of such legends as Johnny Unitas, Lenny Moore and Chuck Bednarik squaring off on the maples was of much more interest to these football fanatics than that of a bunch of pencil neck geeks dribbling a ball up and down the court.

Professional basketball was in its infancy back then. This game was not recorded and there is no film to authenticate Wilt's record. Since I was not there, I suppose that I will have to take some sportswriter's word for it happening. Furthermore, there is no record of how many groupies the Big Dipper popped after the game, or for that matter, during the halftime break.

There is an ironic footnote to this semi-historic event. The next evening, the Warriors and Knicks played at Madison Square Garden. Darrall Imhoff, the 6-11 center for the Warriors who had guarded Wilt during his 100 point onslaught, left the floor to a standing ovation because he had held Wilt to a meager 54 points that evening.

NOTE: After pocketing his third consecutive Man of the Year award, the good Doctor went on a sabbatical. While chillin out in the Cayman Islands, he scored yet another leisurely Doctorate at his beloved LaFontaine College. While most of you were shoveling snow and playing indoor fart games, DOCTOR BILLINGSGATE was bettering himself, if that is possible. This, his 11th Doctorate, is in Sports Journalism. You, my fans, may now judge if the effort was worthwhile. Sports may never be the same.

BILLINGSGATE, the return thereof

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: The demise of Dr. BILLINGSGATE has been exaggerated by the liberal press. For those of you who have been patiently waiting for the inaugural edition of the 2006 JOURNAL, chill out, dudes! The Doctor has been totally immersed in new age philosophic meandering, searching for meaning in the miasma of charlatanic equipolence.

A new age of BILLINGSGATIAN dissertation. Perhaps. Or maybe not.

Let's all try to reach for the stars this year. Don't wait until a meteorite douches out you and your loved ones with an extra- galactic, spacial sucker punch.

Come next week, a revived and exponentially liberated and more spiritually relevant JOURNAL will beam you up to a plateau of non-comprehensible nirvana never before visited by earthlings.

ROCK ON!

Cordially yours,

The DOCTOR