BILLINGSGATE MAN OF THE YEAR

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

YEAR END BULLETIN: The Board of Directors of the BILLINGSGATE Foundation has named its eponymous journal meister, Man of the Year, for the third consecutive year. Yes, an unprecedented THREEPEAT. Coincidently, the last time anyone won this symbolic award even two times in a row was back in 1939, the year Dr. BILLINGSGATE was born.

You may have heard of the gentleman who set the previous standard; none other than the infamous Adolf Hitler. The runner-up to the Dur Fuhrer in both 1938 and 1939 was Neville Chamberlain, the Dur Idiot who thought he could persuade Hitler to become a more kinder and gentler Fuhrer. Nice try, Neville. Live in infamy, you despicable liberal, scissors butt, sheep fornicating douche bag.

Although most of the JOURNAL'S readers are well aware of the contributions that the Good Doctor made to society in the past year, there may be naysayers out there in the Blue States who choose to cast aspersions on my efforts. Some may in fact use their hate for my causes to disparage my nobel efforts to win the coveted Lewinsky/Kaczynski International Limerick Contest. Shame on your sandbag asses, you scurrilous scumbags.

Others may have forgotten my one of a kind expos'e on notorious North Korea Premier, Kim Jung IL, the tyrant who besides starving millions of his people, claims to have eclipsed the record for the fewest strokes while playing golf, shooting an unbelievable 34 on a par 72 course. This on his first round ever! Unbelievable. Don't bet on it.

Who, pray tell me, will ever forget the job I did on that pretender to the throne, the chicken lipped slack-jawed jackal from Massachusetts, John Kerry? Not I.

What about the JOURNAL winning the Bulshitzer Prize this year? Who cares, you may ask. Those of you whose hearts beat true care.

Who else was there to report on the Giant Tortoises going berzerk in the Galapagos? Most of you couldn't even pronounce Galapagos, much less understand the significance of berzerk Tortoise behavior as expressed in Billingsgatian terms. Before I introduced you to information cherished by effete Darwinian devotees, you were merely vitally concerned non-entities, living in a world of your own.

Who of you would not trade your insignificant life to walk in the shoes of Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler for just one day?

The Doctor is trying to think, but nothing happens.

Another year, but never another Doctor BILLINGSGATE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I can't believe that you have forgotten your roots. What ever happened to the kindly, good Doctor who so gently pointed out the folie a deux of such notables as John Kerry and Michael Moore? What possibly could have happened in your life to make you sacrifice your integrity and let the liberals gain the upper hand?.......Barbara "Funny Girl" Streisand

Dear Babs,

Nice try, O Funny One. For a while I thought you were serious....Duh!

Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner. However, I was covering the big wedding that took place at Windsor Guildhall. You know, the same joint that Prince Charles and Camille Parker Bowles tied the knot. I think it's great that Elton John can now legally cornhole his squeeze, Mr. David Furnish. I guess the only difference between their previous relationship and their new legal one is that if they get divorced, they may be forced to choose who gets custody of the bowel movements. But that's Hollywood, isn't it?

But as you mentioned in your song, "Lovers are very special people. They're the luckiest people in in the world." Barbara, I get a feeling deep in my soul that says that Elton and David who were half now are whole. No more hunger and thirst for those two sodomites. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

Footnote: Although Elton's first marriage to German engineer, Renate Blauel ended in divorce after four fabulous years of bliss, the Euro cognoscentees that handicap such affairs, give this relationship a real chance because Elton and David are the luckiest people in the world because they "need people."

Rock on, BILLINGSGATE devotees. A day without the Doctor is like a day without sunshine.

BILLINGSGATE Christmas Gifts

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: In keeping with the Christmas spirit, Dr. BILLINGSGATE is offering his faithful readers the opportunity to purchase gift wrapped BILLINGSGATE memorabilia at special prices. Take advantage of the opportunity to purchase these priceless gifts for your loved ones who perhaps have never read the messages of the Good Doctor.

For a limited time you can select any 10 of these specially chosen "Best of BILLINGSGATE" titles and have them etched on your own personal CD disk. If you act now this fantastic gift can be delivered to that special someone before Christmas Day.

Please make your choices from these selected favorites and have them etched eternally on a CD. This is a gift that will last forever!

01. Saint Tookies Day
02. McVibrator Happy Meal
03. Supreme Court: She No Ho
04. Gobblers 2, Hunters 0
05. Mauled Man Tries to Reason With Chimps
06. The Three Stooges from Massachusetts
07. Rusty Pipes
08. Primate Denies Taking Advantage of Gay Lover
09. Petophilia and Same Sex Marriage
10. GOLF: As Korean As No Dong Missiles
11. Should Mandatory Sterilization Be Optional
12. Michael Moore Denies He's a Clone
13. Carl Spackler vs bin Laden
14. Giant Tortoises Go BERZERK !
15. Giant Tortoises Doing Wheelies
16. Hannibal Lector vs The Chipmunk
17. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyukle Head Kerry
18. The Three Stooges vs Bush
19. Kerry Demands 'Bubble' To Protect Head From Flies
20. Chicken-Lipped Lying Kerry

* Available for a limited time only at the discount price of $3.99 plus $29.99 for shipping and handling. Please specify if you wish shipment in plain brown wrapper or the special Christmas wrapper.

Saint Tookies Day

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Vatican City)

BULLETIN: Archbishop Gabriel Montalvo, the Papal Nuncio who represents the Pope in the United States, declared that because of the bed-side conversion of Tookie Williams, he is recommending to Pope Benedict XVI that the beatification process that will ultimately raise Tookie to sainthood begin immediately. Perhaps influenced by such notary sojacs as Rev. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Willie Brown and Snoop Dogg, all of unquestionable moral makeup, the Papal Nuncio could hardly wait to declare December 13 as Saint Tookies Day.

Well, why not? If the Irish can celebrate St. Patricks Day, why can't there be a day for those who wish to memorialize a man who founded the Crips and used a shotgun to blow four innocent people to smithereens? Let's be fair. Those on Death Row need a patron saint too. The Vatican said that even mass murderers are human beings too. I guess they forgot about how they felt about Hitler and Mussolini some 60 years ago. How time flies when you are in Rome and can fiddle with moral equipolency.

How is it that the Euros can always point their finger at us with complete impunity while they allow despots to murder millions in their own back yard? Maybe they do believe in the inherent goodness of man, until of course, that man turns out to be Stalin, Hitler or Mussolini. Then when their own ass is on the line they come around to think as we do.

So who is right? Do we take care of folks such as Tookie, Saddam and the gentlemen named above before they take care of us? Or do we wait patiently, hoping for Divine Intervention to solve our problems with these nefarious dudes? I can hardly wait for Teddy Kennedy, Howard Dean and John Kerry to gallop up on their white stallions (riding side-saddle of course) to save us all from those misunderstood, Islamic suicide dudes.

Remember this; you heard it from the DOCTOR first.

The Terminator or the Exonerator

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Yo, Dude. You better believe that a lot is at stake if the Terminator needs more than 30 seconds to decide if arch-criminal Stanley Tookie Williams should live or die. For simplicity's sake, any man or woman, whether saint or sinner, who has supporters like Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Snoop Dogg, Jamie Foxx and Rev. Jesse Jackson should be summarily executed without a trial. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? But let us not equivocate, Some people were put on Earth to take a licking and stop their ticking. If you don't believe that appeasement sucks, stop reading this JOURNAL and take Course 101 in Placating the Enemy.

In 1971, the Nobel Peace Prize nominee, Tookie Williams co- founded the Cribs in the suburbs of Los Angeles. The name "Cribs" was changed to "Crips" shortly after because the intellectuals that peopled the gang couldn't pronounce "Cribs" correctly. Already we have a clue that we have a problem in Houston.

To counter the Crips for territorial rights, a gang named the Bloods was founded. Since then it is estimated that they have killed thousands of each other, mainly because they don't like each other's fight song and school colors. For this Tookie should get the Nobel Peace Prize? Come to think about it, maybe he should. A lot of dysfunctional citizens were eliminated early enough in their lives to not draw welfare or social security benefits. Guess what? Maybe this guy does have some redeeming qualities. I could learn to like him pending further research.

Unfortunately, Little Tookie had a mean streak that was exacerbated by the ingestion of seemingly harmless pharmaceuticals. He went on a crime spree and shotgunned 4 respectable human beings for little more than chump change, landing himself in San Quentin's Death Row in 1981. Street smart and quick to find God, he became a world class author of children's books. His first literary effort, "Tookie Speaks Out," targeted children in Kindergarten through 4th Grade, ironically the equivalent mental age of himself and his fellow gang bangers.

I am now waiting anxiously for the Terminator to pronounce his decision. I have a feeling that Arnold has been so exposed to the terminally liberal philosophy of his wife and the other sociopaths that inhabit Hollywood and Sacramento that he will allow this killer to live. In any event, I am dedicating this limerick to Tookie:

Little Tookie in the best of sashes
Sat in the chair and was burned to ashes
By and by the room grew spooky
But no one wanted to poke up Tookie.

Note: For all of you so-called players who secretly hope that I succumb to senility and the effects of drinking cheap wine, chill out. The DOCTOR is still way, way ahead of you hay-shaking, Husker loving, sheep fornicators.