Saint Tookies Day

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Vatican City)

BULLETIN: Archbishop Gabriel Montalvo, the Papal Nuncio who represents the Pope in the United States, declared that because of the bed-side conversion of Tookie Williams, he is recommending to Pope Benedict XVI that the beatification process that will ultimately raise Tookie to sainthood begin immediately. Perhaps influenced by such notary sojacs as Rev. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Willie Brown and Snoop Dogg, all of unquestionable moral makeup, the Papal Nuncio could hardly wait to declare December 13 as Saint Tookies Day.

Well, why not? If the Irish can celebrate St. Patricks Day, why can't there be a day for those who wish to memorialize a man who founded the Crips and used a shotgun to blow four innocent people to smithereens? Let's be fair. Those on Death Row need a patron saint too. The Vatican said that even mass murderers are human beings too. I guess they forgot about how they felt about Hitler and Mussolini some 60 years ago. How time flies when you are in Rome and can fiddle with moral equipolency.

How is it that the Euros can always point their finger at us with complete impunity while they allow despots to murder millions in their own back yard? Maybe they do believe in the inherent goodness of man, until of course, that man turns out to be Stalin, Hitler or Mussolini. Then when their own ass is on the line they come around to think as we do.

So who is right? Do we take care of folks such as Tookie, Saddam and the gentlemen named above before they take care of us? Or do we wait patiently, hoping for Divine Intervention to solve our problems with these nefarious dudes? I can hardly wait for Teddy Kennedy, Howard Dean and John Kerry to gallop up on their white stallions (riding side-saddle of course) to save us all from those misunderstood, Islamic suicide dudes.

Remember this; you heard it from the DOCTOR first.