Lewinsky and Kaczynski again

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Even though Dr. BILLINGSGATE is joining fellow Neo-Cons in mourning the loss of Harriet Miers as a candidate for the Supreme Court, he stills believes that the United States will survive this crisis if all citizens follow the erudite advice of Curley (Three Stooges): "If you are trying to think and nothing happens, break the silence with a fart. Everyone will forget you're an idiot."

Talking about idiots, I am being deluged by reader requests for more and (better) limericks. If anyone believes that the Doctor is plagiarizing these babies off some obscure internet site, the following limerick should dispel any concern about who is responsible for these masterpieces.

If you don't like this one, you obviously lack the discretionary taste that separates man from beast.

If Kaczynski sent a letter to Lewinsky
As she played a tune on Willy's flutinski
Would the President be blown up twice
While he was in Monica's head vice
Or would it be just another singlisky?

And you thought I was just another dork with ten Doctorates. Chill out, liberal scumbags. The Doctor has spoken.

A Letter from Rex the Wonder Dog

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

You can't imagine how proud I was when I read your "Ozzie and Harriet" posting last Friday. I knew the Nelson family and considered Ozzie one of the finest actors of the 1950's. He was my idol. When I left the U.S. Army's K-9 Corps for Hollywood back in 1952, it was because of his inspiration. To have dogs mentioned in the same sentence with this film immortal leaves me panting. And to have you beatify dogs as being even more trustworthy than Harriet Miers makes my tail wag. When you said, "Read my lips.".... "The only time that a man can guarantee that degree of trust is when he has his right hand on a Bible and his left hand on his Mutt's head," I just wanted to lick my balls......Rex the Wonder Dog

FOOTNOTE: For those of you too young to remember, Rex first appeared in The Adventures of Rex the Wonder Dog in January 1952. Rex is a white German shepherd and served our county valiantly in World War II. A veteran of the Army's K-9 Corps, after the war he was taken back home to live with the Dennis family. Rex used his intelligence to help prove one of the Dennis boys, Phillip, was not guilty of murder.

For many years after that, Rex and Phillip's brother, Danny, had numerous adventures. During that time, Rex did everything from riding a horse to swinging from a vine by holding it in his teeth.

Eventually, Rex found himself getting long in the tooth and would have retired from showbiz altogether. Fortunately for his fans, he went to Florida and met up with Bobo the Detective Chimp. In one of their adventures, the amazing mammals stumbled upon the legendary Fountain of Youth and drank of it. In an instant, the two of them were returned to their prime of life and have continued their individual pursuits. Rex lately became associated with a government agency known as The Bureau of Amplified Animals.

Now you know why the Doctor is "THE DOCTOR" and all others are mere Philistines.

Ozzie and Harriet

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington)

BULLETIN: "Trust me." Never has there been a relationship so pure and perfect as the one between Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. If you are old enough to remember their TV family comedy show back in the 50's and 60's, you will surely agree. As sincere and perfect as it was, it doesn't come close to the relationship between Ozzie (Dubya) Bush and his Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers. It seems that Dubya trusts her so much that he can look into the camera and assure neo-cons like myself that Harriet will never change and will remain faithful to the cause for the next 20 years.

Now I was born at night, but not last night. The only time that type of trust can be put into the lock box is when it is between a man and his dog. "Read my lips." The only time that a man can guarantee that degree of trust is when he has his right hand on a Bible and his left hand on his Mutt's head.

Now I am not saying that Harriet Miers is a stealth liberal, just waiting to be sworn in before she jumps into the sack with old tomahawk face, Ruth Bader Ginsberg. But if that happens and the wedding bells ring, it certainly shouldn't surprise anyone. Infact, if the old Texas spinster doesn't fall in love with that pinch-mouthed ACLU loving bitch, Dr. BILLINGSGATE will burn the Doctorate in Psychology Degree he received from LaFontaine University while vacationing in the Cayman's back in 1976. That, my dear friends, is the closest thing to a mortal lock that you will ever get.

If you believe that I am being a little harsh in my postulations, let me ask you a direct question. Who cares what you think? In other words, kiss my royal behind and read the New York Times if you want real biased analysis.

For now and forever, Dr. BILLINGSGATE remains the only source of information for those too addle-minded to give a rat's ass.

Dr. BILLINGSGATE denies divine inspiration

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Grand Cayman Island)

BULLETIN: Although a senior Cayman Island official stands by his statement that Dr. BILLINGSGATE claimed to be on first-name terms with God, he conceded that the Doctor was using a figure of speech when declaring that "God and I call each other by our first names. I call him God, and he calls me Doctor."

The official, Niles Kajalsen, told the Cayman Inquirer that in August 2003 he overheard Dr. BILLINGSGATE tell a lap dancer at the Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Club, "God told me to end the tyranny between my conscience and my libido. How about a lap dance?"

A spokesman for the Doctor quickly issued a terse denial last night dismissing the officials comments as: "absurd." Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck, the spokesman, said that Dr. BILLINGSGATE, although a devout Christian, "never said that."

Mr. Kajalsen, whose interview was recorded by the Inquirer, today stood by his recollection of the conversation but accepted that the statement he claims to have heard might have not been meant literally.

"It was really a figure of speech (by Dr. BILLINGSGATE). I felt that he was saying that he had a mission, a commitment that God was really inspiring him...rather than a metaphysical whisper in his ear," he said.

Dr. BILLINGSGATE, once quoted as saying: "I believe that God wants me to bring down the liberal leftist trash," is a devout Christian and makes no secret of calling on God for strength while fighting the ACLU infidels, but denies using God to justify his decisions.

Andrew Peckapony, director of the New York ACLU said: "If Dr. BILLINGSGATE really wants to obey God during his mission on Earth, perhaps he should start with what is blindingly obvious from the Bible rather than perceive supernatural messages. That would lead him to the less glamorous business of taking care of the needs of the poor, the downtrodden and the marginalized, rather than squandering his money on lap dances.

Last month, senior members of the Church of Rightful Indignation questioned Dr. BILLINGSGATE'S sense of "moral righteousness." The bishops of that church said in their report: "There is no uniquely righteous soothsayer. No man should see himself as the redeemer, singled out by God as part of his providential plan." .

NOTE: Being divinely inspired has its drawbacks.

Is Harriet Miers the wrong choice

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington)

BULLETIN: Once again, whether by choice or chance, George Bush has thoroughly pissed off many of his conservative supporters by nominating his legal sidekick, Harriet Miers, for the Supreme Court. Most of us felt disregarded because of his failure to seriously address the illegal alien problem. Now that he has nominated Miers, further damage has been done to his most faithful supporters. To calm the seas he appointed Vice President Cheney to sooth the ire of Rush Limbough. The Vice President assured Rush that Miers was "one of us." Now that Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, Peggy Noonan and George Will have all denounced him for his choice, he can only say, "trust me," to placate those of us who don't (trust him).

When he says "trust me," is he trying to tell us that he knows this lady so well that he can guarantee that Harriet Miers will use her vote on the Supreme Court to advance our conservative causes for the next 20 years? What makes him believe this unless she specifically told him that her goal on the Court will be to screw Ruth Ginsberg and the ACLU everytime she can? Can this President who deplores judges who "legislate from the bench," guarantee that Harriet Miers won't fall into the same trap that other so called conservative justices have fallen into after being indoctrinated by Washington and New York liberals? Who can not fall sway to Barbara Streisand when she purrs in your ear?

We all know what is at stake if Miers turns from being an evangelical conservative to a diabolical liberal. When you look at the list of mistakes Republican Presidents have made; Nixon naming Blackwell, Ford naming Stevens, Reagan naming O'Connor and Anthony Kennedy, and the hapless George Bush responsible for the classic turnaround traitor, Justice Souter, who can feel good when Dubya says, "trust me?"

George Will said that Bush " has neither the inclination nor the ability to make sophisticated judgments about competing approaches to construing the Constitution." If this is true, one wonders about his ability to look people in the eye, as he did Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and know what's in their heart. He claims that he has also looked Harriet Miers in the eye and knows what is in her heart. Are we willing to take that chance, and if Bush is wrong, see our country flushed down the toilet by liberal judges who look to a decadent and diseased Europe for their inspiration?

NOTE: Dr. BILLINGSGATE was inadvertently not considered for the 2005 Nobel Peace Prize. I have been assured that it was an oversight. Trust me.