Dr. BILLINGSGATE denies divine inspiration

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Grand Cayman Island)

BULLETIN: Although a senior Cayman Island official stands by his statement that Dr. BILLINGSGATE claimed to be on first-name terms with God, he conceded that the Doctor was using a figure of speech when declaring that "God and I call each other by our first names. I call him God, and he calls me Doctor."

The official, Niles Kajalsen, told the Cayman Inquirer that in August 2003 he overheard Dr. BILLINGSGATE tell a lap dancer at the Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Club, "God told me to end the tyranny between my conscience and my libido. How about a lap dance?"

A spokesman for the Doctor quickly issued a terse denial last night dismissing the officials comments as: "absurd." Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck, the spokesman, said that Dr. BILLINGSGATE, although a devout Christian, "never said that."

Mr. Kajalsen, whose interview was recorded by the Inquirer, today stood by his recollection of the conversation but accepted that the statement he claims to have heard might have not been meant literally.

"It was really a figure of speech (by Dr. BILLINGSGATE). I felt that he was saying that he had a mission, a commitment that God was really inspiring him...rather than a metaphysical whisper in his ear," he said.

Dr. BILLINGSGATE, once quoted as saying: "I believe that God wants me to bring down the liberal leftist trash," is a devout Christian and makes no secret of calling on God for strength while fighting the ACLU infidels, but denies using God to justify his decisions.

Andrew Peckapony, director of the New York ACLU said: "If Dr. BILLINGSGATE really wants to obey God during his mission on Earth, perhaps he should start with what is blindingly obvious from the Bible rather than perceive supernatural messages. That would lead him to the less glamorous business of taking care of the needs of the poor, the downtrodden and the marginalized, rather than squandering his money on lap dances.

Last month, senior members of the Church of Rightful Indignation questioned Dr. BILLINGSGATE'S sense of "moral righteousness." The bishops of that church said in their report: "There is no uniquely righteous soothsayer. No man should see himself as the redeemer, singled out by God as part of his providential plan." .

NOTE: Being divinely inspired has its drawbacks.