Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

How dare you blame me for what happened to Mary Jo Kopechne. I distinctly remember telling her that I would be back in the morning before I swam up to the surface. If she would have conserved her air she most likely would be with us today...Teddy Kennedy

Dear Teddy,

Whoa, Dude. I believe you. It just kills me when you get cross with me. Maybe she didn't understand your underwater pillow talk. Probably just another dumb blond.

Dear Dr. Billingsgate,

I concur with you regarding your nomination of General Field Marshall Cinque Mtume for a 5th star and chairmanship of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The man is a military genious and belongs in the same pantheon of historic military leaders as Lawrence of Arabia, Napoleon and General Hospital. Besides, he treated me like a debutante......Patricia Hearst

Dear Patricia,

Must I remind you that my name is to be capitalized when you address me. I don't care if you were a debutante. But you are absolutely correct about General Field Marshall Mtume. He is a legend and belongs with the above mentioned heroes.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Congratulations on receiving the coveted Major Amos B. Hoople Award for proposing that those urchins who were kicked out of pre-school be sent to Baghdad in the next Children's Crusade. Is there any chance that I might be allowed to lead these children in this noble quest to oust those godless infidels? How about if I give them warm milk and cookies before I jump into their sleeping bags?....Michael Jackson

Dear Michael,

In the affirmative, Michael. There are two chances, slim and none.

BULLETIN: I found out what those guys with nets were doing in my office last week. They were chasing down a fugitive butterfly. No harm, no foul.

BILLINGSGATE IS PISSED!

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Senator Teddy Kennedy, infamous for uttering these exculpatory words regarding Mary Jo Kopechne, "It's hard to believe that she couldn't hold her breath until I came back the next morning" is now trying to drown two other women in Senate proceedings. I don't know about you. But enough is enough! If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. It's time for America to wake up and kick some liberal ass.

BULLETIN: Since no one seems to be able to capture the ellusive bin Laden, BILLINGSGATE recommends that General Field Marshall Cinque Mtume of the Symbionese Liberation Army receive his 5th star and be made Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and personally spearhead the hunt for this notorious raghead. General Mtume is famous for capturing Patricia Hearst and outwitting the FBI for over a year while escorting the debutant across America in a yellow VW van. The crafty bastard fooled them all by putting a "VOTE FOR RICHARD NIXON" sticker on his bumper. What chutzpah! What subterfuge! The man is a military genious. Move over General Myers. You have had your chance.

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE has once more been decorated by the President and has received the most prestigious military decoration of them all, the coveted Major Amos B. Hoople Award. By proposing that the obnoxious 3 and 4 year old rapscallions who were kicked out of pre-school be armed and sent to Iraq as part of a Children's Crusade to crush the infidels, Dr. BILLINGSGATE has again eclipsed a field of bumbling idiots with this preemptive battle plan.

Hmmmm. What are those guys with nets doing in my office. I believe that I'm under attack! 911....911... Where the Hell is my posse?

HOMOPTERAN AFFAIR EXPOSED

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BILLINGSGATE OUTED! Just when you think everything is running smoothly and all is well in BILLINGSGATEVILLE, someone from your past life exposes something that you have hidden for 40 years or so. In my case, the fact that I had a one time liaison with a homopteran who I met in a Biology lab experiment during my second year in college has come back to haunt me.

I will never forget his lips. After years of sap sucking, he could inhale a bowling ball though a straw without mechanical assistance. His drum-like organs produced a high pitched drone when rubbed together. It drove me absolutely insane. His name was Cicada.

I am telling you this now so that when you read it in The New York Times you won't feel that I betrayed your confidence. Just believe me when I say that it was a one time incident and that I was a young man at the time. We have all made mistakes.

FOOTNOTE: You will be happy to read that I did take safety precautions. I was wearing double lensed protective goggles so that he couldn't scratch my eyes out while I was pulling his legs off.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I found your "Gobblers 2, Hunters 0" story so inspirational that I cried. I hope that when they got those two vigilantes down they pecked their eyes out. Did the autopsy find that fowl play was involved? I sure hope so....Turkey Lurkey

Dear Ms. Lurkey,

Yes, it was found that fowl play was a factor. I bet that you have big breasts and fat thighs and that you would look great stuffed and undressed. Please send pictures.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I thought that it was supposed to be a "best of three" playoff. Any chance that we can get another shot at the Gobblers. We feel that we let our fellow Hunters down. We're currently on the deceased but ready to play list....Elmer and Alfred

Dear Elmer and Alfred,

We are talking to the commissioner about taking you off the list, posthumously. Personally, I think you guys were playing out of your league. Those Gobblers kicked your ass.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Where can I get one of those baseball bat sized WMD (Weapon of Male Dysfunction) vibrators. Also, in your professional opinion, would using one help me forget how many American POW's I screwed when I went to Hanoi?.... Jane Fonda

Dear Hanoi Jane,

If I told you I would have to put a contract on you. Where these WMD units are placed is so sensitive that you would probably sell out your country to obtain one.

In answer to your second question: Perhaps it would make you forget. To make sure, I would suggest you upgrade to the next size, the Hiliary Clinton Signature Model. This is a fence post sized vibrator torqued especially for women of your profession.

The Doctor is going into hiding and will not be able to take calls.