Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

How dare you blame me for what happened to Mary Jo Kopechne. I distinctly remember telling her that I would be back in the morning before I swam up to the surface. If she would have conserved her air she most likely would be with us today...Teddy Kennedy

Dear Teddy,

Whoa, Dude. I believe you. It just kills me when you get cross with me. Maybe she didn't understand your underwater pillow talk. Probably just another dumb blond.

Dear Dr. Billingsgate,

I concur with you regarding your nomination of General Field Marshall Cinque Mtume for a 5th star and chairmanship of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The man is a military genious and belongs in the same pantheon of historic military leaders as Lawrence of Arabia, Napoleon and General Hospital. Besides, he treated me like a debutante......Patricia Hearst

Dear Patricia,

Must I remind you that my name is to be capitalized when you address me. I don't care if you were a debutante. But you are absolutely correct about General Field Marshall Mtume. He is a legend and belongs with the above mentioned heroes.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Congratulations on receiving the coveted Major Amos B. Hoople Award for proposing that those urchins who were kicked out of pre-school be sent to Baghdad in the next Children's Crusade. Is there any chance that I might be allowed to lead these children in this noble quest to oust those godless infidels? How about if I give them warm milk and cookies before I jump into their sleeping bags?....Michael Jackson

Dear Michael,

In the affirmative, Michael. There are two chances, slim and none.

BULLETIN: I found out what those guys with nets were doing in my office last week. They were chasing down a fugitive butterfly. No harm, no foul.