HOMOPTERAN AFFAIR EXPOSED

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BILLINGSGATE OUTED! Just when you think everything is running smoothly and all is well in BILLINGSGATEVILLE, someone from your past life exposes something that you have hidden for 40 years or so. In my case, the fact that I had a one time liaison with a homopteran who I met in a Biology lab experiment during my second year in college has come back to haunt me.

I will never forget his lips. After years of sap sucking, he could inhale a bowling ball though a straw without mechanical assistance. His drum-like organs produced a high pitched drone when rubbed together. It drove me absolutely insane. His name was Cicada.

I am telling you this now so that when you read it in The New York Times you won't feel that I betrayed your confidence. Just believe me when I say that it was a one time incident and that I was a young man at the time. We have all made mistakes.

FOOTNOTE: You will be happy to read that I did take safety precautions. I was wearing double lensed protective goggles so that he couldn't scratch my eyes out while I was pulling his legs off.