Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I found your "Gobblers 2, Hunters 0" story so inspirational that I cried. I hope that when they got those two vigilantes down they pecked their eyes out. Did the autopsy find that fowl play was involved? I sure hope so....Turkey Lurkey

Dear Ms. Lurkey,

Yes, it was found that fowl play was a factor. I bet that you have big breasts and fat thighs and that you would look great stuffed and undressed. Please send pictures.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I thought that it was supposed to be a "best of three" playoff. Any chance that we can get another shot at the Gobblers. We feel that we let our fellow Hunters down. We're currently on the deceased but ready to play list....Elmer and Alfred

Dear Elmer and Alfred,

We are talking to the commissioner about taking you off the list, posthumously. Personally, I think you guys were playing out of your league. Those Gobblers kicked your ass.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Where can I get one of those baseball bat sized WMD (Weapon of Male Dysfunction) vibrators. Also, in your professional opinion, would using one help me forget how many American POW's I screwed when I went to Hanoi?.... Jane Fonda

Dear Hanoi Jane,

If I told you I would have to put a contract on you. Where these WMD units are placed is so sensitive that you would probably sell out your country to obtain one.

In answer to your second question: Perhaps it would make you forget. To make sure, I would suggest you upgrade to the next size, the Hiliary Clinton Signature Model. This is a fence post sized vibrator torqued especially for women of your profession.

The Doctor is going into hiding and will not be able to take calls.