Unpublished dialog of Senator Craig

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Minneapolis Airport)

BULLETIN: THE REAL STORY

Officer: Why were you peeking into my stall for two minutes?

Craig: It usually takes at least two minutes for my eyes to stop watering after I have been gassed.

Officer: Do you recall whether or not I had my pants down at the time?

Craig: I don't recall. But under the circumstances, it really isn't essential as long as your zipper is in proper working order.

Officer: After you sat down in the next stall, why did you start tapping your foot?

Craig: When I play with my Great Dane, Hummer, that's a signal for him to jump onto my lap and start licking. I guess it's just a habit.

Officer: Did you expect me to jump onto your lap and lick you?

Craig: Absolutely not! I would have grabbed you by the ears and said, "down boy, down."

Officer: Why then did you encroach into my stall and nudge my foot with yours?

Craig: You noticed? Well, when you didn't jump onto my lap when I tapped my foot, I thought you might have fallen asleep on the John.

Officer: Is that why you reached under the partition with your left hand?

Craig: You think I'm ambidextrous or what? My right hand was busy at the time.

Officer: I think I have heard enough. You are a disgrace. How are you going to face your voters and your wife and kids after this?

Craig: If Slick Willie can get away with it, why shouldn't I be able to pull it off?

Officer: EXACTLY.

LaFontaine College Survives

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Cayman Islands)

BULLETIN UPDATE: Hurricane Dean, following a path that dodged Jamaica and then spared the campus of LaFontaine College and the Cayman Islands, is now heading for the Yucatan Peninsula. Latisha LaFontaine, the Chancellor of her eponymously named college, would have dismissed all classes during the storm. However, because the college doesn't require students to attend classes since there are none, she was forced to do nothing. Kind of like "Catch 22." But substantially more subtle.

Thought you would appreciate the update.

LaFontaine College in Eye of Storm

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Cayman Islands)

BULLETIN: Internationally known LaFontaine College, the Creighton of the Caribbean, and the source (mill) of eleven Doctorate Degrees for Dr. Viscount BILLINGSATE, is under siege from Hurricane Dean. For centuries this intellectual bastion has withstood onslaughts from pirates, Pentecostals and pinch-mouthed pretenders while maintaining its status among the elites of upper-level education. This Cayman Island redoubt is a reminder to all that it isn't what you know that counts, its how many degrees you have. Where else can a man of my stature, or for that matter, any man of no stature, score eleven Doctorates without having to attend a class. For those who might believe LaFontaine to be just another diploma mill, let me issue you this caveat; you have to pick up your diploma to graduate. Just between you and me, if you don't want to come to this tropical paradise to pick up your credentials, you don't have the credentials to obtain a degree.

Outside the Administration Building, which doubles as a two car garage in a humble dwelling owned by Chancellor Latisha LaFontaine, the latest of the progeny of the founder of this proud University, none other than Louis Lance LaFontaine, is a plaque commemorating the College's most illustrious alumnus, Dr. Viscount BILLINGSGATE. Currently holding an unprecedented eleven Doctorate, last year's winner of the Bulshitzer Prize has been memorialized by the College with a plaque that bears the likeness of BILLINGSGATE and folds up when the garage door is retracted.

With gales predicted to exceed 120 mph, Hurricane Dean is scheduled to hit the Cayman's sometime today. Let we who have been blessed to receive the support of the College and its professors, say a silent prayer that LaFontaine will survive this blow intact.

From Aristotle, Pericles and BILLINGSGATE....Let man's inclination for achievement be evidenced by the display of copious degrees.