There Is No Doctor But BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: The recent 6.2 earthquake that hit Sumatra allowed two of its eponymous Rat Monkeys to escape from the confines of the renowned Orang-Utan Center on this large Indonesian island. Fearing that these two primitive examples of the specie Simian Raticus might try to catch a flight to America to meet their political counterparts, the gendarmes closed down all of the airports and gathered up all of the usual suspects who bore a resemblance to Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama.

Now that both of these DemoRats claim to be latter day JFK 's, the only person who might be able to decide who comes closest to personifying the image of John Kennedy is Marilyn Monroe, and as far as I know, her lips are sealed. For those conspiracy wonks who are still wondering whether Marilyn overdosed or was murdered, can anyone tell me where Slick Willy was that night? You just might add her name to the list of victims who died under mysterious circumstances and who were somehow linked to the Clintons.

More to the point; I want Marilyn's body exhumed and her remains examined by noted forensic voyeur, distinguished body part collector and head of LaFontaine's College of Taxidermy, Dr. Hans Leatherstretcher. I would like the Yankee Clipper, Joe Dimaggio, to be able to finally rest in peace, knowing that Marilyn was throttled by a higher power, the President of these here United States, William Jefferson Clinton.

Remember, there is no Doctor but BILLINGSGATE.