POTPOURRI

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: I suspect that you knew this was coming. A guest on Neil Cavuto's FOX NEWS actually blamed the ice and snow storms hitting the Northeast on global warming.....and she was serious. What else could I add to that?

NFL HEADLINE: San Diego Charger President Dean Spanos announced the firing of Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer. Spanos and Bolt General Manager A.J. Smith agreed to blame Marty for losing the New England playoff game. It has been reported that Smith and Shottenheimer have not spoken to each other since last year after Smith released QB Drew Brees because he injured his shoulder during the last game of the season. From my perspective, it shows that both Spanos and Anna Nicole Smith found that playing with the old man's money, while relying on a couple of big boobs to do their thinking, doesn't automatically insure success in the world.

NEXT: Since today is Valentine's Day, I think that I will celebrate this special date by doing something romantic for a change; like dipping my big toe in melted chocolate and see what develops.

HISTORIC UPDATE: Two years ago, Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy, the first chimpanzee plastic surgeon team recognized by the American Board of Plastic Surgeons, successfully completed a radical facelift on Mr. St. James Davis without the use of anesthesia. Mr. Davis, along with his wife, were innocently celebrating the 39th birthday of Moe, who was interning with the other chimps in the compound. Mr. and Mrs. Davis were attacked (operated on) by Drs. Ollie and Buddy. St. James lost his nose, lips, one eye and all of his fingers (they were bitten off because the scalpel wasn't sharp enough). Although this operation was performed under less than surgery room conditions, St. James is now fully recovered.

POSTSCRIPT: Although Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy were shot to death by a guard who didn't understand the historic importance of the operation, the former Mrs. Davis is now married to Moe the Chimp. Moe was determined by authorities to have had nothing to do with the facelift of St. James, although he did smack his lips from time to time.

Astronauts Gone Wild

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Houston)

BULLETIN: By now I am sure that everyone has read or heard about Navy Captain Marie Nowak's journey from Houston to Orlando to kidnap or kill Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman for the right to be the exclusive pokie of former TOPGUN pilot and NASA astronaut, Navy Commander Bill Oefelein.

Driving nearly 1000 miles with just a double six pack of Miller's Lite and a giant bag of Fritos for sustenance, her throbbing Hepplewhite loins swaddled in a giant diaper so that she wouldn't have to make any pit stops, she put her pedal to the metal, rendezvousing with Captain Shipman in Orlando in time to douche her erstwhile competitor with pepper spray.

Now, I realize that most of you bleeding hearts probably believe that Nowak is some kind of wacko going through menopause and therefore is not entirely responsible for her actions. As much as that theory seems grounded in theoretical ambivalence and post Machiavellian hodgepodge, the real answer might be that Commander Oefelein is truly a TOPGUN in a world full of Viagra popping, vacuum pumping limp-dicks. Being somewhat of a swashbuckling dasher myself, I realize how difficult it is for a woman to stand by while she knows that her competition has tools not unlike her own, ready to suck the vital juices out of the man she so desperately loves.

With strong sensitive men who have flown through space unencumbered by the forces of gravity, what chance has a housewife with three children to satisfy such an appetite for the unknown? Fat chance, if you know what I mean. Even though Captain Nowak said that it was, "more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship," it makes the mind go numb to imagine what she might have done if she had been given the full TOPGUN treatment; with intermittent hovering, supersonic rollovers and power dives. So let's not condemn the poor lass. We should be thankful that in this world of militant feminazis there are still women like Nowak who will fight to her last hormonal imbalance for a man like that.

Embedded Media Coverage

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Baghdad)

BULLETIN: The fact that the embedded media has been such a pain in the ass and has largely used its position to make members of our military look like rampaging murderers has not been lost on me.

With that in mind, I have a suggestion for the alphabet media and CNN: Why don't you dress 72 of your most virgin reporters in burqas and parachute them into the the hotspots of Baghdad. Once there, embed them with the various raghead sects who are going around bombing and butchering innocent people. While on the ground, these disguised reporters can practice their "real" profession without having to change their job description. As whores to the liberal cause, they can offer their highly touted virgin services to the suicide bombers who might enjoy some Western "roundeye" before they strap on their bombs.

Can you imagine some poor raghead bastard whipping off the burqa of a panting Helen Thomas or Wolf Blitzer and deciding on a career change right then and there. Other than stampeding their camels, I can't think of a better way to end the war.