Astronauts Gone Wild

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Houston)

BULLETIN: By now I am sure that everyone has read or heard about Navy Captain Marie Nowak's journey from Houston to Orlando to kidnap or kill Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman for the right to be the exclusive pokie of former TOPGUN pilot and NASA astronaut, Navy Commander Bill Oefelein.

Driving nearly 1000 miles with just a double six pack of Miller's Lite and a giant bag of Fritos for sustenance, her throbbing Hepplewhite loins swaddled in a giant diaper so that she wouldn't have to make any pit stops, she put her pedal to the metal, rendezvousing with Captain Shipman in Orlando in time to douche her erstwhile competitor with pepper spray.

Now, I realize that most of you bleeding hearts probably believe that Nowak is some kind of wacko going through menopause and therefore is not entirely responsible for her actions. As much as that theory seems grounded in theoretical ambivalence and post Machiavellian hodgepodge, the real answer might be that Commander Oefelein is truly a TOPGUN in a world full of Viagra popping, vacuum pumping limp-dicks. Being somewhat of a swashbuckling dasher myself, I realize how difficult it is for a woman to stand by while she knows that her competition has tools not unlike her own, ready to suck the vital juices out of the man she so desperately loves.

With strong sensitive men who have flown through space unencumbered by the forces of gravity, what chance has a housewife with three children to satisfy such an appetite for the unknown? Fat chance, if you know what I mean. Even though Captain Nowak said that it was, "more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship," it makes the mind go numb to imagine what she might have done if she had been given the full TOPGUN treatment; with intermittent hovering, supersonic rollovers and power dives. So let's not condemn the poor lass. We should be thankful that in this world of militant feminazis there are still women like Nowak who will fight to her last hormonal imbalance for a man like that.