Plot to Clone Dr. BILLINGSGATE Foiled

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Seoul, South Korea)

BULLETIN: An attempt to clone the brilliant conservative visionary, Dr. Chillinout Viscount BILLINGSGATE has failed. With much hand wringing resignation, the colleagues of South Korea's top cloning scientist, Dr. Hwang Woo-suk, have concluded that the scientific research by this disgraced clonologist was fabricated and that the purported clone of BILLINGSGATE was merely a cheap facsimile.

In August of 2005, Dr. Hwang startled the world of science by introducing Snuppy, an Afghan hound puppy, which was said to be the first cloned dog. With the acclaim of this accomplishment still resonating in the world press, Hwang and his team decided to go for a clonological home-run. That November Dr. Hwang and his team first introduced what they claimed to be a cloned copy of Dr. BILLINGSGATE. In reaching for the stars by attempting to clone an exact copy of the renowned holder of eleven Doctorates, he would show the scientific world his indisputable prowess, and at the same time, settle a score with Dr. BILLINGSGATE, who he had played second fiddle to ever since their chance encounter at LaFontaine College during the Spring of 1987.

It was by shear coincidence that both chose to enroll in the same Clonology program at LaFontaine College in the Cayman Islands. At that time, LaFontaine was one of few bastions of higher learning that offered a two day doctorate degree in Clonology without any prerequisites such as Biology or Chemistry which are soooo boring.

Although the requirements are much more stringent today, at that time sunbathing was an acceptable alternative to attending class. Dr. Hwang, being of Korean descent, had skin color somewhat darker than Dr. B's. And since your position in class was based on the differential between your beginning color and the shade you were upon completion of the rigorous two day curriculum, he was completely overshadowed by me, both physically and metaphysically. I ended up graduating Magna Sunshine Cum Laude and class valedictorian.

For some reason, the super-competitive, Type A personality, Dr. Hwang took this personally and chose to get even with me by attempting to clone me and show me off to the scientific world as his trophy. You can imagine my anguish and humiliation when I saw myself trotted out at the end of a leash, following Dr. Hwang like a puppy dog. Although I wasn't sure at that time whether that was me, I did notice that my clone walked on all fours and lifted his leg to pee, something that seemed quite different from my modus operandi. You can't believe how relieved I was when his colleagues recognized that this wasn't really me and that the clone was fabricated.

By the way, the New York Times has never retracted the original story nor admitted that the picture of me walking around on all fours and lifting my leg to pee was a fabrication. So what's new.

Corn Beef and Cabbage Cobbler Dessert

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

GRANNY'S RECIPE: It has been a tradition in the BILLINGSGATE family to celebrate St. Patrick's day by quaffing down a pint or two of Guinness, followed by a special dessert that has been passed down from one generation to the next. We family refer to it as Granny's Irish Pudding. From all accounts, this dessert originated in Ireland, and because of the lack of fruit such as peaches and apples, the ingenious Granny BILLINGSGATE substituted corn beef and cabbage in the recipe.

Granny's Easy Corn Beef and Cabbage Cobbler Dessert

1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar, divided
1 table spoon baking powder
Pinch of salt
1 cup milk
4 cups corn beef chunks
3 cups shredded cabbage. **If Korean, substitute Kim Chee
2 cups potatoes, 1 inch cubes
1 cup carrots, diced

Melt butter in a 13x9 inch baking dish

Combine flour, 1 cup sugar, baking powder, and salt;
Add milk, stirring just until dry ingredients are moistened.
Pour batter over butter (do not stir).

Bring remaining 1 cup sugar, corn beef chunks,
shredded cabbage, potatoes and carrots to a boil
over high heat, stirring constantly; pour over
batter (do not stir).

Bake at 375 for 45 minutes or until golden brown.
Serve cobbler warm or cool.

Yield: 8 servings

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY!!!

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

DISCLAIMER: This extremely popular feature will be permanently discontinued if the authenticity of the letter writers cannot be verified. In order to placate skeptics who choose to question whether "real" people actually write these gems, Dr. B will not publish letters that could possibly be fraudulent in nature, such as those written posthumously. If the deceased's medium cannot prove that his or her client currently authorizes the use of the good name of the deceased, the letter will treated with no discretionary oversight. Also, the Doctor will not accept letters from anyone whose lineage is suspect or from anyone who might be a clone. The following letters from Princess Diana and Dolly the Sheep Clone might serve as examples of letters of dubious authenticity. Let you be the judge.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Can you explain how a sheepherder could promise his wife that he would be faithful and then succumb to the charms of a common sheep?.........Princess Diana

Dear Princess Diana,

I think it's pretty catty of you to call Camilla Parker Bowles a sheep. By the way, have you checked with your medium lately?

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Michael Moore lied to me. He said that the Montana Pole he was using was to help me so I could get my makeup on straight. And I thought he was just trying to be helpful. How was I to know?.....Dolly the Sheep Clone

Dear Dolly,

You didn't have a chance with that slick talking bastard. He pulled the same trick on Senator John Kerry. I hope you reported him to the constable. For future reference, never trust a liberal.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

My girl friend told me that I must be an idiot because I admitted that I enjoyed reading your blog. How can I convince her that I am not?......Junior Beets

Dear Junior,

If you actually admitted to that, I can't help you. My best advice is to ask her to marry you. If she accepts, it will prove that you have at least one thing in common.

NOTE: Your letters are very important to me, whether they are authentic or not. Since many of you seem too intimidated to actually write me, let me assure you that even if you don't exist in time and space, I will respect your unique individuality.

BILLINGSGATE MOUNTAIN

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Wyoming)

BULLETIN/LAMBETIN: Somewhere hidden in the mountains of Wyoming is the answer to why sheepherders go bad. I don't need to sit through two hours watching a couple of male tonsil hockey players go wild to get the picture. Dude.....It's lonely up thar. Why else would there be all those jokes about sheep?

In light of that, what responsible rancher would send up two "cowboys" to do one man's job. Maybe for one same reason that it takes two Polacks to change a light bulb. One to turn the hipboots while the other screws in the....you get my drift, Dude?

You ever hear anything derogatory about female sheepherders? Not even a rumor, and if there were, Snoop Doggy Dogg would be there to chronicle it. You talk about Co-eds gone wild in Cancun, can you imagine Co-eds gone wild in the Woolies? Makes me shudder to even think about a defenseless co-ed taking on a mountain hardened old ram.

Which brings me back to Brokeback Mountain. I have not and do not intend to watch this movie because deepdown, I believe that this Hollywood rot sheepicizes men and humanizes sheep. Personally, I think that the sheep got the short end of the stick. And talking about sticks, do my readers know what a "Montana Pole" is? It's a pole with a mirror attached on one end to see if the sheep is smiling.

Maybe Brokeback Mountain will end up being the straw that broke the camel's back. Although I personally know of no males that have admitted to viewing this movie or even wanting to see these two love hungry sheepherders grope each other, I must admit that I lack the sensitivity to judge their predeliction to pretend that they are procreating.

Although I have a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry from LaFontaine College in the Cayman Islands, I must have slept through that particular lecture. I guess that you get what you pay for.

Only a scholar of my diverse pedigree is capable of handling a subject such as this. Obviously the depth of this discussion only reinforces the fact that what the New York Times lacks is what you get each and every time you read the JOURNAL.