BILLINGSGATE MOUNTAIN

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Wyoming)

BULLETIN/LAMBETIN: Somewhere hidden in the mountains of Wyoming is the answer to why sheepherders go bad. I don't need to sit through two hours watching a couple of male tonsil hockey players go wild to get the picture. Dude.....It's lonely up thar. Why else would there be all those jokes about sheep?

In light of that, what responsible rancher would send up two "cowboys" to do one man's job. Maybe for one same reason that it takes two Polacks to change a light bulb. One to turn the hipboots while the other screws in the....you get my drift, Dude?

You ever hear anything derogatory about female sheepherders? Not even a rumor, and if there were, Snoop Doggy Dogg would be there to chronicle it. You talk about Co-eds gone wild in Cancun, can you imagine Co-eds gone wild in the Woolies? Makes me shudder to even think about a defenseless co-ed taking on a mountain hardened old ram.

Which brings me back to Brokeback Mountain. I have not and do not intend to watch this movie because deepdown, I believe that this Hollywood rot sheepicizes men and humanizes sheep. Personally, I think that the sheep got the short end of the stick. And talking about sticks, do my readers know what a "Montana Pole" is? It's a pole with a mirror attached on one end to see if the sheep is smiling.

Maybe Brokeback Mountain will end up being the straw that broke the camel's back. Although I personally know of no males that have admitted to viewing this movie or even wanting to see these two love hungry sheepherders grope each other, I must admit that I lack the sensitivity to judge their predeliction to pretend that they are procreating.

Although I have a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry from LaFontaine College in the Cayman Islands, I must have slept through that particular lecture. I guess that you get what you pay for.

Only a scholar of my diverse pedigree is capable of handling a subject such as this. Obviously the depth of this discussion only reinforces the fact that what the New York Times lacks is what you get each and every time you read the JOURNAL.