Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

DISCLAIMER: This extremely popular feature will be permanently discontinued if the authenticity of the letter writers cannot be verified. In order to placate skeptics who choose to question whether "real" people actually write these gems, Dr. B will not publish letters that could possibly be fraudulent in nature, such as those written posthumously. If the deceased's medium cannot prove that his or her client currently authorizes the use of the good name of the deceased, the letter will treated with no discretionary oversight. Also, the Doctor will not accept letters from anyone whose lineage is suspect or from anyone who might be a clone. The following letters from Princess Diana and Dolly the Sheep Clone might serve as examples of letters of dubious authenticity. Let you be the judge.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Can you explain how a sheepherder could promise his wife that he would be faithful and then succumb to the charms of a common sheep?.........Princess Diana

Dear Princess Diana,

I think it's pretty catty of you to call Camilla Parker Bowles a sheep. By the way, have you checked with your medium lately?

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Michael Moore lied to me. He said that the Montana Pole he was using was to help me so I could get my makeup on straight. And I thought he was just trying to be helpful. How was I to know?.....Dolly the Sheep Clone

Dear Dolly,

You didn't have a chance with that slick talking bastard. He pulled the same trick on Senator John Kerry. I hope you reported him to the constable. For future reference, never trust a liberal.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

My girl friend told me that I must be an idiot because I admitted that I enjoyed reading your blog. How can I convince her that I am not?......Junior Beets

Dear Junior,

If you actually admitted to that, I can't help you. My best advice is to ask her to marry you. If she accepts, it will prove that you have at least one thing in common.

NOTE: Your letters are very important to me, whether they are authentic or not. Since many of you seem too intimidated to actually write me, let me assure you that even if you don't exist in time and space, I will respect your unique individuality.