Plot to Clone Dr. BILLINGSGATE Foiled

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Seoul, South Korea)

BULLETIN: An attempt to clone the brilliant conservative visionary, Dr. Chillinout Viscount BILLINGSGATE has failed. With much hand wringing resignation, the colleagues of South Korea's top cloning scientist, Dr. Hwang Woo-suk, have concluded that the scientific research by this disgraced clonologist was fabricated and that the purported clone of BILLINGSGATE was merely a cheap facsimile.

In August of 2005, Dr. Hwang startled the world of science by introducing Snuppy, an Afghan hound puppy, which was said to be the first cloned dog. With the acclaim of this accomplishment still resonating in the world press, Hwang and his team decided to go for a clonological home-run. That November Dr. Hwang and his team first introduced what they claimed to be a cloned copy of Dr. BILLINGSGATE. In reaching for the stars by attempting to clone an exact copy of the renowned holder of eleven Doctorates, he would show the scientific world his indisputable prowess, and at the same time, settle a score with Dr. BILLINGSGATE, who he had played second fiddle to ever since their chance encounter at LaFontaine College during the Spring of 1987.

It was by shear coincidence that both chose to enroll in the same Clonology program at LaFontaine College in the Cayman Islands. At that time, LaFontaine was one of few bastions of higher learning that offered a two day doctorate degree in Clonology without any prerequisites such as Biology or Chemistry which are soooo boring.

Although the requirements are much more stringent today, at that time sunbathing was an acceptable alternative to attending class. Dr. Hwang, being of Korean descent, had skin color somewhat darker than Dr. B's. And since your position in class was based on the differential between your beginning color and the shade you were upon completion of the rigorous two day curriculum, he was completely overshadowed by me, both physically and metaphysically. I ended up graduating Magna Sunshine Cum Laude and class valedictorian.

For some reason, the super-competitive, Type A personality, Dr. Hwang took this personally and chose to get even with me by attempting to clone me and show me off to the scientific world as his trophy. You can imagine my anguish and humiliation when I saw myself trotted out at the end of a leash, following Dr. Hwang like a puppy dog. Although I wasn't sure at that time whether that was me, I did notice that my clone walked on all fours and lifted his leg to pee, something that seemed quite different from my modus operandi. You can't believe how relieved I was when his colleagues recognized that this wasn't really me and that the clone was fabricated.

By the way, the New York Times has never retracted the original story nor admitted that the picture of me walking around on all fours and lifting my leg to pee was a fabrication. So what's new.