Say it isn't so, Duke

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Not since "Shoeless" Joe Jackson and his Chicago White Sox teammates shocked the intersanctum of baseball by throwing the 1919 World Series in the notorious "Black Sox Scandal" has our nation been so dismayed by the falling from grace of a bona fide hero.

Yesterday, Randy "Duke" Cunningham, the Navy pilot who shot down 5 Russian MIGS during the Vietnam War, pleaded guilty to accepting 2.4 extra-large in bribes from Defense Contractors. One can only give him some credit for the fact that he made a decision to go down in the flames of big money, rather than crashing for chump change.

If Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis, who banned the conspirators in the Black Sox Scandal to life without baseball, were around to pass judgment on Cunningham, he probably would find a fitting punishment; maybe making the Duke move in with Hillary Clinton for the rest of his life.

Fair minded men might ask if such a punishment would fit the crime. Shouldn't he be given some time off for blasting the 5 Commie gooks out of the sky? One certainly hopes so. After all, in the hierarchy of crimes, taking a little cash under the table in Washington should hardly raise an eyebrow.

If Cunningham wanted to throw himself on the mercy of the court, he might have mentioning that he graduated from the University of Missouri and therefore was unable to distinguish the difference between right and wrong. Only the meanest of prosecutors would overlook that moral deficiency as being exculpatory. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up suing his alma mater for failing to provide him an ethical platform to build his character.

It might be suggested that Randy Cunningham was a crook before he went to Washington. Cynics might say that if you weren't a crook, why would you run for Congress in the first place?

Dr. BILLINGSGATE say an honest man does not go into a den of thieves with his wallet pocket unbuttoned.

Put The Gloves Back On

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE removes gloves from storage and gets back into the ring. I suspect that my faithful readers have been long waiting for the Good Doctor to get down to his fighting weight, put on his brass knuckles and jump into the ring and kick some pinko ass. It has taken awhile for me to get into this pre-election mood again, but I am more than ready and willing to address the likes of Michael Moore, John Kerry and Rep. Jack Murtha, sheep fornicators all.

Even before the traditional Thanksgiving feast, I've had a full course meal of stuffed weasel words, bull-shit re-inventions by Democrats of their hawkish public statements about Saddam before the war, and lastly, their lip-synching mouthings that are nothing more than Weapons of Mass Obstruction for our soldiers in Iraq.

It is ironic that the Demogeeks have again put a man (Murtha) on the pedestal for his so-called heroics. Here we have a turncoat, like Kerry, who fought in a war that was despised by these same liberals when they were in college, who now, because he represents their view, becomes an icon for them and their cause just because he got a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. Hell, for all we know, he might have gotten the medals for taking his penicillin shots for the clap without asking for anathesia. It happens.

Anyway, when Senator Kerry says that, "I won't stand for the Swift Boating of Jack Murtha." We all know what that means. Kerry, as always, seems to try to shift attention to his own purported heroics anytime he can. It didn't work when he ran for President, and if the Swift Boat Veterans have to resurrect their excorciation of him once again, so be it.

The real question to be answered is this: Will American citizens listen to these pinkos and allow them and the media to undermine our efforts over in Iraq, or will they understand that our efforts to fight the terrorists on their soil rather than on ours, is the right answer. I am not confident that we have the patience to allow us to defeat both the John Kerrys of this land and the terroists that he apparently dismisses as mere pests, swatting them only when they sting us with another 9/11 on our shores.

A Limerick for the Ages

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Limerick, Ireland)

BULLETIN: To call this just another limerick would be akin to calling World War II just another war, Secretariat just another horse or the Hope Diamond just another rock. To celebrate the publishing of this new and never before seen limerick, Dr. BILLINGSGATE traveled to the birthplace of the limerick; Limerick, Ireland.

Inspired by the whimsical Irish leprechauns who frequent the pubs and who drink copious amounts of Irish whiskey while mumbling umbrageous limericks of their own, I finally conquered this form of poetry with the following masterpiece. Blending a desultory attempt to link classic iambic pentameter with thoughtless rhyming schemes, the final result is nothing less than stunning:

If Kaczynski had felt somewhat better
He would not have put bombs in his letters
He could have sent a cab for Lewinsky
And maybe scored a quick Blowinsky
Followed by a cigar and phone sex chatter.

NOTE: To follow up on the "Intelligent Design" posting, I would like to point out that the line forms at the rear for you glory hole worshiping, ACLU egg-sucking, American hating, pencil-dick liberal preverts. You are abominations, and you are an insult to the brave soldiers who are fighting to keep your sad asses from being skewered on some raghead's barbecue in Baghdad.

Get with it or get out.

Intelligent Design

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Hopefully the readers of this esteemed JOURNAL have been following the trial pitting the Bulldogs of Intelligent Design against the ACLU Evolutionary Cockaroaches. Now I don't know about you, but I, in my short life, have found reason to believe that I was blessed to be created by someone with the wisdom to separate me from those who eat their babies for lunch.

That said, I can see why the ACLU believes that all creatures evolved from chocolate pudding. They have been sticking the business end of their evolutionary tool into the lower portion of someone's alimentary canal for so long that to arrive at any other conclusion would demand divine intervention; something they don't believe in.

As you know, Dr. BILLINGSGATE spent his formative years under the tutelage of the distinguished Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck. Dr. Earlbeck cut his scientific teeth while living on the Galapagos Islands watching bats unerringly drop guano on the rocks below. As spectacular as this was, Clete grew restless as the guano piled up to heights requiring him to wear hip boots to navigate his holdings.

Not to be considered one dimensional, the good doctor also hot wired giant tortoises so that they could outrun the indigenous diminutive dwarf pygmies who tried to capture the accelerated tortoises for dinner purposes. For obvious reasons, the hotwired tortoises believed in this divine intervention. The dwarf pgymies, on the other hand, reviled the doctor for jeopardizing their chances for a quick free lunch and asked the Island major domos to revoke his passport before they starved to death.

The point of all this discourse should be obvious. Those losers who believe that evolution can't be hot wired are doomed to be ACLU egg sucking liberals who eat their young, despise their country and will do anything to facilitate abortion. Let them eat chocolate pudding.

To the rest of you: Celebrate your intelligent design by having a cool beverage of your choice. I never saw a monkey who could brew a beer.