Say it isn't so, Duke

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Not since "Shoeless" Joe Jackson and his Chicago White Sox teammates shocked the intersanctum of baseball by throwing the 1919 World Series in the notorious "Black Sox Scandal" has our nation been so dismayed by the falling from grace of a bona fide hero.

Yesterday, Randy "Duke" Cunningham, the Navy pilot who shot down 5 Russian MIGS during the Vietnam War, pleaded guilty to accepting 2.4 extra-large in bribes from Defense Contractors. One can only give him some credit for the fact that he made a decision to go down in the flames of big money, rather than crashing for chump change.

If Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis, who banned the conspirators in the Black Sox Scandal to life without baseball, were around to pass judgment on Cunningham, he probably would find a fitting punishment; maybe making the Duke move in with Hillary Clinton for the rest of his life.

Fair minded men might ask if such a punishment would fit the crime. Shouldn't he be given some time off for blasting the 5 Commie gooks out of the sky? One certainly hopes so. After all, in the hierarchy of crimes, taking a little cash under the table in Washington should hardly raise an eyebrow.

If Cunningham wanted to throw himself on the mercy of the court, he might have mentioning that he graduated from the University of Missouri and therefore was unable to distinguish the difference between right and wrong. Only the meanest of prosecutors would overlook that moral deficiency as being exculpatory. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up suing his alma mater for failing to provide him an ethical platform to build his character.

It might be suggested that Randy Cunningham was a crook before he went to Washington. Cynics might say that if you weren't a crook, why would you run for Congress in the first place?

Dr. BILLINGSGATE say an honest man does not go into a den of thieves with his wallet pocket unbuttoned.