Intelligent Design

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Hopefully the readers of this esteemed JOURNAL have been following the trial pitting the Bulldogs of Intelligent Design against the ACLU Evolutionary Cockaroaches. Now I don't know about you, but I, in my short life, have found reason to believe that I was blessed to be created by someone with the wisdom to separate me from those who eat their babies for lunch.

That said, I can see why the ACLU believes that all creatures evolved from chocolate pudding. They have been sticking the business end of their evolutionary tool into the lower portion of someone's alimentary canal for so long that to arrive at any other conclusion would demand divine intervention; something they don't believe in.

As you know, Dr. BILLINGSGATE spent his formative years under the tutelage of the distinguished Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck. Dr. Earlbeck cut his scientific teeth while living on the Galapagos Islands watching bats unerringly drop guano on the rocks below. As spectacular as this was, Clete grew restless as the guano piled up to heights requiring him to wear hip boots to navigate his holdings.

Not to be considered one dimensional, the good doctor also hot wired giant tortoises so that they could outrun the indigenous diminutive dwarf pygmies who tried to capture the accelerated tortoises for dinner purposes. For obvious reasons, the hotwired tortoises believed in this divine intervention. The dwarf pgymies, on the other hand, reviled the doctor for jeopardizing their chances for a quick free lunch and asked the Island major domos to revoke his passport before they starved to death.

The point of all this discourse should be obvious. Those losers who believe that evolution can't be hot wired are doomed to be ACLU egg sucking liberals who eat their young, despise their country and will do anything to facilitate abortion. Let them eat chocolate pudding.

To the rest of you: Celebrate your intelligent design by having a cool beverage of your choice. I never saw a monkey who could brew a beer.