CORRECTION: She Be No Ho

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

CORRECTION: After receiving a blistering call from Associate Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the editors of the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL stand corrected. In the limerick published earlier this week, we incorrectly transmitted the ruling. The line in the limerick, "We have ruled Lewinsky no ho," should read, "We have ruled Lewinsky, she be no ho."

Although Justice Clarence Thomas did not call, in the spirit of political correctness, the editors have agreed to change the line in his limerical dissent to read, "Therefore, Monica, she be ho, through and through." The original line read, "Therefore, Monica was a ho, through and through."

Note: The editors apologize to all who were offended by this inadvertent error. To show how deeply we were affected by this journalistic blunder, we have fired our Ebonics translater.

BULLETIN: Dr. BILLINGSGATE will be on vacation this next week. He is going back to his native country, Nebraska. This is a RED STATE! Furthermore, I want to share with the whole world how proud we transplanted Nebraskans are to know that most of the fruits, nuts and vegetables that we see in the marketplaces of Caliafornia, more than likely can also trace their origins back to the Cornhusker State.

Supreme Court: She No Ho

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington)

BULLETIN: Breaking a long standing precedent, The United States Supreme Court has decided to issue the following ruling in the form of a limerick. Historically, this has been done only in Scotland back in the 12th Century. Now that the Court is relying on Europe for historical reference in it's decisions, it is not surprising that they should do so in the case of Lewinsky vs Kaczynski. With Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg writing the majority opinion in which she, Justices Stephen Breyer, David Souter, Anthony Kennedy and John Paul Stephens agreed, the following majority decision was made:

We have ruled Lewinsky no ho
Because "is" does not include fellatio
However, we have concluded that
Since Kaczynski's letters went splat
He must serve life in the hoosegow.

The dissenting opinion by Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, writing for Chief Justice William Rehnquist and Associate Justice Antonin Scalia:

We dissenters have agreed this to be true
After arguing until our faces turned blue
The Lewinsky and Kaczynski cases were linked
In both instances there was a dink
Therefore, Monica was a ho, through and through.

Note: Dr. BILLINGSGATE has notified the Solicitor General that he will not publish future Supreme Court decisions unless they are pithily written in acceptable limerick form.

Limericks and more

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: I have received many limericks in the past week from all over the world, and regretfully, most of them were terrible and far below the publishing standards of the JOURNAL. I realize that most of you did not enjoy the benefits of graduating from a university that actually had academic standards, so I can't say I was surprised by your lack of literacy. I will publish two of the entries so that you might realize how feeble your own attempts were:

Hillary, Jessica and Kaczynski
All knew the powers of Levinsky
How she pouted and bartered
Till the cigar warmed her ardor
Easing the way for Willy to Slipinski.

Milada Hiladik, A farm girl from Norfolk, Nebraska

Although not gay, straight or narrow
Willy was crooked to the marrow
So how was Ms. Levinsky to know
That for Kaczynski's letters to blow
Someone had to say, "Sayonara".

Vice Admiral, Toyota Yoho, Sasebo, Japan

BULLETIN: Due to numerous haranguing phone calls from vanquished homopterons, I was unable to find time to comment on world issues such as the removal of settlers from the Gaza strip or the rocket attacks on our ships in the Middle East.....Next week, for sure.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

After reading the delightful limericks that you scored from the New York Times, I would like to enter the competition.......Attorney General, Janet Reno

There once was a President Willy
Whose flute looked crooked and silly
Now Kaczynski you knew
sent letters that blew
like Lewinsky, but not Hillary.

Thank you, Ms. Attorney General. I liked the way you blew up those nasty Dravidians.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I hope the competition is still open. Try this limerick.....Sandy Berger

The Oval Office for Lewinsky
Held more secrets than Kaczynski
Unknown to us all
Until the terrible squall
When Monica blew Willy's Stravinski.

Dear Sandy, Thank you for your contribution. I hope you recovered from your swollen ankles.

BULLETIN: The deadline for limerick submittals has been extended until August 26, 2005. Any submittals received after that date will be disregarded. Please keep your submittals pithy.

Lewinsky vs Kaczynski

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Recently the New York Times ran a contest called "Style vs Substance" in which the requirements were to use the two names, Lewinsky and Kaczynski, in the same limerick. As you probably remember, Lewinsky was the Intern in the Oval Office and Kaczynski gained his fame as the Unabomber a number of years ago.

Although BILLINGSGATE normally doesn't use NYT's material, I thought that in the spirit of journalism, I would pass these entries on:

THIRD PLACE:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
"Twas Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second Place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

The winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

Although Dr. BILLINGSGATE certainly neither condones the content nor suggests that you recite these limericks in politically sensitive areas, feel free to pass them on to your Pastor, Rabbi or Cleric.