Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did your wife manage to crazy glue your testicles to the bed frame without waking your faithful retriever, SunnyBear. My husband, Bill, sleeps with his Doberman next to him. If I tried something like that, that Doberman would be at my throat before you could say "Slick Willy."......Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dearest Hillary,

There is only one explanation for SunnyBear not being roused. Quite simply, he must have been drugged. In your case, since I believe that you have all the characteristics of a Doberman, maybe you can get by without using drugs, if you know what I mean. You are so seductive that I can only imagine how easily you might distract the mutt with your bountiful charms. Bow wow.

Yo, Doctor,

"You keep using the doggerel phrase, 'faster than pizza going through a dog.' Since I enjoy eating pizza, it's important in my line of work to know how quickly pizza goes through a dog's alimentary canal. Please advise, since I don't want to embarrass myself in front of those coeds gone wild in Cancun."....Snoop Doggy Dogg

Dear Mr. Dogg,

I don't know what school you went to, but I seem to remember a mathematical formula that can be used to determine the time accurate to within a gnat's ass of finite: T=LWH. More specifically, the longer the dog, the longer it takes. For instance, it would require considerably more time for pizza to pass through the alimentary canal of a dachshund than say, a minature poodle. Perhaps you could have one of your drunken coeds measure your own canal. Tell her to start at the bottom and work up. Please video if possible.