Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. B,

Do you believe that Barack Obama is "black enough" to satisfy both pre-pubescent white punk rockers and precocious black hip hoppers who might vote in the next Presidential election? I highly value your opinion in such dichotomous matters...Reverend Jesse Jackson

Dear Rev. Jackson,

Thank you, O Holy One. I also value your advice and opinion regarding finite matters, especially when I am shaking down my devotees for contributions. It certainly is a dichotomous matter. There are two chances that members of these divergent factions of our multicultural existence might be satisfied.....Slim and none.

Dear Dr. B,

Were you even slightly titillated by the sight of Hillary's cleavage that everyone is talking about. I want an honest answer. Not your usual smart-ass one....Slick Willy

Dear Slick One,

Much as I would like to treat your question with the respect that it is entitled because of your stature, I must inform you that the sight of your wife's cleavage gave me the same thrill as when I first saw the Monongahela and Allegheny Rivers join together to form the Ohio River in Pittsburgh. I hope that you have the same feelings for this natural wonder.

Dear Dr. B,

You must be aware about global warming. What feelings do you have when you see those poor Polar bears adrift on ice flows, trapped with no way to reach shore. As a humanist, what are your thoughts concerning this lamentable debacle?...Al Gore

Dear Big Al,

I want to reach out and touch you with a Louisville Slugger, you lying son-of-a-bitch. First of all, Polar bears can swim 100 miles without breaking a sweat. As a humanist, I would like you to join them. Perhaps with your blubber, you could pass yourself off as a whale and tow them to shore. Lamentable debacle, my ass!

The Doctor is out of his office until Monday.