Tales from Washington

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington)

BULLETIN: One of my more progressive liberal contacts suggested that Karl Rove was pulling strings on his puppet, Reverend Billy Graham. When the Rev embraced the Clintons during his Big Apple Save My Soul Jamboree this weekend, my friend thought that there was something sinister when the God fearing Graham offered that Hillary should run the country. My contact thought that Rove was trying to make the unreligious left wing think that Hillary had embraced Christianity, which would cost her votes. What say you?

BULLETIN: I put my old pal, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler, to work again. For my old "Spy vs Spy" conspiracy aficionados, I have some late breaking rumors to pass around. In keeping with Hillary, rumors of her having lesbian affairs now floating around the Beltway have her hooking up with Karl Rove in drag. To me, this is a sure indication of how paranoid those bastards are. Does any clear thinking American believe that Karl would sink to that level? However absurd this appears, Dirty Trick stands behind the story.

BULLETIN: I don't believe we who belong to the vast right wing conspiracy should feel too happy with George Bush I playing golf and boating with his new pal, Slick Willy. One must wonder what Grandma Barbara thinks with that deviate running around the house having phone sex and smoking cigars with their young cocker spaniel, Monica II.

With that, the Good Doctor is thinking about pulling in his correspondents from the trenches for a little R&R.

On Assignment

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Bulletin: For those of you curious as to why I missed posting a JOURNAL last week, I was called back to the Galapagos Islands by my mentor, Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck.

In the past year, Dr. Earlbeck has given me free rein as far as my choice of topics. Regrettably, since the election last November, he felt that I had lost my cutting edge and feels that I may have sold out to the liberals, even suggesting that I might have been swept off my feet by the likes of Hilliary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer.

The kindly Doctor, who is a master motivator, walked me to a deserted beach, and upon finding a Giant Tortoise, turned the critter on its back. For at least ten minutes with no words between us, we observed the helpless tortoise thrash his legs in the air. Then the Doctor, in his gravest stentorian voice that drowned out even the crashing surf, demanded that I answer the ultimate of questions. "Why can't the tortoise gain traction?"

With that, my life was changed forever. How many years have I wasted fighting windmills? A new energy went though my system like pizza through a dog. A new fervor possessed my being. Realizing that my goal of having all liberals sterilized was not beyond my reach, I now can galvanize all of my resources to make this mission a reality.

Thank you, Doctor Earlbeck, for the ass kicking. I needed that.

Top G Man Withheld DNA Evidence !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Bulletin: I don't know about you, but me thinks that W. Mark Felt pulled a coup d' etat when he went to Woodward and Bernstein with his inside information on Watergate that ultimately brought down Nixon. I think that his sobriquet, Deep Throat, was appropriate though. In fact I am requesting that when Felt dies, his family turn over his false teeth to the Smithsonian Institute. Forensically speaking, I believe there might be some DNA evidence of J. Edgar Hoover lurking back in the worn crevises of his plastic molars that might be of historic significance.

As far as I know, Agent Felt's only responsibilty was to make sure Hoover's high heel pumps matched his flowery dresses when he and his sidekick, Clyde Tolson went out dancing.

If for some reason I should disappear after you read this, don't blame Big Brother. I have offended so many people that the Bureau would have to stand in line to get to me.

Dr. BILLINGSGATE is baaaaaccck! The cutting precision of my incisive dialogue has been honed by years of hard nosed blogging. There is only one way to stop me and that secret has been put into a lockbox.

Have a nice weekend.