On Assignment

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Bulletin: For those of you curious as to why I missed posting a JOURNAL last week, I was called back to the Galapagos Islands by my mentor, Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck.

In the past year, Dr. Earlbeck has given me free rein as far as my choice of topics. Regrettably, since the election last November, he felt that I had lost my cutting edge and feels that I may have sold out to the liberals, even suggesting that I might have been swept off my feet by the likes of Hilliary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer.

The kindly Doctor, who is a master motivator, walked me to a deserted beach, and upon finding a Giant Tortoise, turned the critter on its back. For at least ten minutes with no words between us, we observed the helpless tortoise thrash his legs in the air. Then the Doctor, in his gravest stentorian voice that drowned out even the crashing surf, demanded that I answer the ultimate of questions. "Why can't the tortoise gain traction?"

With that, my life was changed forever. How many years have I wasted fighting windmills? A new energy went though my system like pizza through a dog. A new fervor possessed my being. Realizing that my goal of having all liberals sterilized was not beyond my reach, I now can galvanize all of my resources to make this mission a reality.

Thank you, Doctor Earlbeck, for the ass kicking. I needed that.