Why Honest Golfers Take Spousal Mulligans

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

One of the most pompous and self-serving bromides of golf''s inner circles: "Harrumph, harrumph! You can tell more about the character of a man by playing a round of golf with him...blah, blah, blah." In a sport so noble in spirit that one is commended for calling a penalty on oneself, Tiger Woods joins ranks with other professional "sportsmen", sexually prolific Rock stars, unconscionable Wall Street brigands and United States presidents; cheaters all.

While Tiger is hardly the first professional golfer to hit a ball outside the first cut, he certainly is the most famous for taking an unauthorized mulligan or two. Mindful that golf is but an isolated prism of life, even some of our most respected presidents, the venerable Dwight Eisenhower and the tragic JFK, both honest golfers, reportedly cheated on their wives from time to time. On the other hand, who would have suspected serial golf cheater, President Bill Clinton, to also be a serial philanderer? When he uttered under oath, "I did not have sex with that woman," poor Monica Lewinsky surely must have felt just as violated as USGA Rule 13-1: "The ball shall be played as it lies, except as otherwise provided in the Rules."

The Devil is always in the details.

A little background regarding my credentials: As the holder of twelve doctorates granted by the Harvard of the Caribbean, LaFontaine College, I cannot be casually dismissed. LaFontaine, located on Grand Cayman Island, has no requirement for attending classes, although you must be physically present to receive your diploma from Chancellor Jacque LaFontaine. In other words, it isn't your typical diploma mill. With my curriculum vitae now established, the relevancy of my 1984 doctorate thesis, Paramours and Bimbos, Inside and Outside the Ropes, should provide you with some insights as to why honest golfers search for love outside matrimonial bondage. For the sake of brevity I will expurgate the psycho-sexual details from my thesis and give you my conclusions:

1. The majority of male golfers feel that the Rules of Golf are unfair. If you have ever ripped a drive right down the middle and found it nestled in a divot, you know what I mean. Men who scrupulously maintain the integrity of the game are rendered cognitively dissonant by this puritanical mind set. As a result of the disconnect between their incongruous beliefs and their real feelings, they fall easy prey to buxom bimbos and the allure of ephemeral sexual pleasure outside the ropes of matrimony.

2. Most male golfers who fall into the above trap were nurtured by oppressively dominant mothers who hated their husbands. Without resorting to psycho-babble, it is quite understandable that the mates would rather hit the links with their buddies than listen to their wife's incessant harping. Not surprisingly, the mother would subliminally attempt to control her son, first by withdrawing breast feeding and later by instituting punitive toilet training rules. Studies have shown that most golfers who cheat on their spouses pick bimbos with big boobs. A mere coincidence? I think not.

3. Since an apple doesn't fall far from the tree, the chances are that if the father was a "player" the son will probably have a lower handicap than the old man. Conversely, if the father was a hacker, his son would be more likely to choose women with ramshackle ovaries and clap-board breasts when going outside the boundaries of contractual marriage.

In conclusion, I hope that everyone seeking reasons for why Tiger Woods cheated on his drop-dead wife and found solace in the arms of ho's, pros and porn stars will find their answer somewhere in the above.


Copywrite: 12-21-09

Dr. Viscount Billingsgate

Washington Atwitter Over Rare Nubian Sightings

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington)

BULLETIN: Washingtonians are atwitter over the sightings of rare Nappy-Headed Nubians in the White House area. The specie; crispus capillus nubius, are indigenous to the northern Sudan and southern Egypt, and did not inhabit North America when discovered by Columbus. A related specie that is more commonly seen in the Washington area, the Dreadlock-Headed Nubian, exhorresco obfirmo nubio, also came from Africa and has very dark feathers and usually is seen with hooped earrings and braided or extended feathers.

Ornithologists from the Smithsonian Institute trace the Nappy-Headed specie back to Nubia, the homeland of Africa's earliest black civilization with a history which can be traced from 2000 B.C. onward. In antiquity, Nubia was a land of great natural wealth, of gold mines, ebony ivory and incense which was alway prized by her neighbors. With a history which can be traced to the dawn of civilization, the Nubians first settled along the banks of the Nile from Aswan. Along this graet river they developed one of the oldest and greatest civilizations in Africa.

The Nappy-Headed Nubians and the Dreadlock-Headed Nubians conquered each other many times in their history. But with the influx of Arabs to Egypt and Sudan, there was a suppression of the Nubian identity following the collapse of the last Nubian kingdom in 1900. A major part of the modern Nubian population were totally arabized and were converts to Islam. The unique characteristics of the Nappy-Headed Nubian are their feathers, strut and ability to mimic music by rapping.

The Nubians that heve been sighted in the Washington White House area appear to have these same characteristics and are adored by both the denizens and media who fall all over themselves when they see them strut their stuff.

Barackomagne: Emperor of Holy Rolling Empire

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington DC)

BULLETIN: Not since Pope Leo III crowned Charlemagne as Imperator Augustus on December 25, 800 has a man been so deified by the masses. Barackomagne is in step to follow Charles the Great, who ruled the Holy Roman Empire until he died in year 814. Charlemagne's rule is associated with the Carolingian Renaissance, a revival of art, religion and culture during those times. Today he is regarded as the father of Europe for uniting most of Western Europe for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.

Much like Pope Leo back in 800 AD, the liberal media has anointed Barack the Great as the one to bring order to the universe. In comparing the two coronations one must revisit Christmas Day in 800, where Charlemagne knelt in prayer in Saint Peter's in Rome. Pope Leo III placed a golden crown on the bowed head of the king. Like Barackomagne, King Charles is said to have been surprised by the coronation, declaring that he would not have come into the church had he known about the pope's plan.

It is said that Charlemagne, in his quest for knowledge, disdained having jesters perform during breaks. Instead he listened to visiting scholars read from learned works. Unlike Charles, Barack will listen to jesters from the Washington Post and New York Times as they formulate his policy.

Charlemagne was a reformer who tried to improve his subject's lives by setting up money standards to encourage commerce. Barackomagne will encourage commerce by raising taxes, cancelling trade agreements, and by dishing out all of our money to the banks, who won't lend it to those whose taxes were raised to bail them out.

Finally, a word of warning: As is often the case, men or women considered great by historians are great killers as well. Throughout his conquests, Charlemagne was responsible for the death of masses of infidels who refused to accept Christianity. Those who kept faith with their old gods and leaders were slaughtered.

'By the sword and the cross,' Charlemagne became master of Western Europe.

How Does Obama Spell Re-distribution? r.e.p.a.r.a.t.i.o.n

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

reparation: [rep-uh-rey-shuhn] n 1.the making of amends for wrong or injury done: reparation for an injustice. example: we be reparation for what whitey do 200 years ago.

BULLETIN: Polls show that 92% of African-Americans say they will vote for Barack Hussein Obama. Jesus Christ couldn't get that plurality if he offered them the keys to heaven without any conditions. They want their money up-front, dude. And its all about the "R" word that no one wants to talk about. Yes, boys and girls, BO wants to take money from you and re-distribute (reparation) it to the 40% who pay no taxes, among them the you-know-who's signed up by ACORN, the group supported by BO with your tax dollars.

The liberals, with Obama fronted by Pelosi and Reid, and back-ended by Barney Frank, could care less whether or not the blacks receive reparation. At this point, whether BO calls it re-distribution or reparation depends on who he is talking to. This has been the holy grail for Jesse Jackson, Reverend Wright and all the rest of the black power brokers. Only now, to circumlocute reparation, the anointed one is calling it a redistribution of wealth.

How does the Doctor know? How is it that the Doctor can dissemble while others struggle to assemble the facts? It helps to have 12 Doctorates hanging from the wall of your den.

Dr. Billingsgate Awarded Doctorate # 12

Reuters: Cayman Islands 9-29-08

Breaking News: Dr. Viscount Billingsgate will be traveling to the Cayman Islands this week to pick up his 12th Doctorate from LaFontaine College. Although earning 12 Doctorates seems somewhat novel to many who have neither the means nor the intellectual qualities necessary, it is far from the world record held by Dr. Thaddeus Sheepskin, a Scottish sailor who washed up on a Cayman Island beach in 1878. With nothing else to do, Thaddeus, who had no previous educational experience, spent his days in the classrooms of LaFontaine College, earning 27 Doctorates over a period of 13 years. Although unlikely to overcome this lead, Dr. Billingsgate will receive his 12th Doctorate in Solopistic Sophism this weekend. While gone he will leave his friends at ACOC to fend for themselves this week.

Presidentectomy Performed On Obama

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL: Dateline Denver

BULLETIN: In an elective surgical procedure performed without anesthesia, Hillary Clinton did a presidentectomy on Barack Obama last night. With Michelle Obama and millions of viewers watching, the former First Lady deftly excised the malignant Democratic Presidential candidate from the race. Under the magnifying lights of the operating room, her cherubic grin masking her ambitious plan to run for the presidency in 2012, she wielded a chirpy scalpel that cut out everything positive about Obama so that her own achievements could be better seen. With the network cameras alternately panning on the squirming Michelle Obama and Bubba Clinton, the emotional contrast was evident: Michelle was smiling on the outside and crying on the inside as she realized Barack had been emasculated. Bubba had the same smile on his face that he had when he spotted Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.

Barack Obama Owns Nairobi Villa

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL: Dateline Nairobi, Kenya

BREAKING NEWS: The JOURNAL's crack investigative reporter, Detrick "DT" Detwiler, has uncovered information that links Democratic presidential nominee, Barack Obama, to ownership of a palatial villa in the Gold Coast region of Kenya. Earlier this week, the Italian edition of Vanity Fair reported that it had found George Hussein Onyango Obama living in this villa on the outskirts of Nairobi.

Mr. Obama, 26, the youngest of the presidential candidate's half-brothers, spoke for the first time about his life, which was far removed from that of the Democratic contender. "No-one knows who I am," he told the magazine. "I am stuck in this fancy joint, and my brother expects me to maintain it on less than a dollar a month." According to Vanity Fair, his villa overlooking a rancid, feces swollen creek, is two meters by three meters in size. To provide contrast to his own beautiful view, George has a calendar showing exotic beaches of the world. Vanity also noted that he had a front page newspaper picture of his famous brother overlooking the fireplace in his den, right next to the stuffed head of Hillary.

Smelling a rat in the details, the JOURNAL sent its own crack reporter, "DT" Detwiler, to check out this story. "DT" found that just weeks before the villa was purchased, a British-Iraqi billionaire lent millions of dollars to Barack Obama's fundraiser and bagman, Antoin "Tony" Rezco. The money transfer raises the question of whether funds from Nadhmi Auchi, one of Britain's wealthiest men, helped Mr. Obama purchase this Nairobi villa. Mr. Rezco, who was convicted on unrelated corruption charges in Chicago on March 3, refused to answer questions regarding this purchase. This has raised even more questions about whether Mr. Rezco made it possible for the Obamas to purchase this 2x3 meter mansion that they could otherwise not afford.

George Obama, who Barack describes as a "beautiful boy with a rounded head", stated that he is so embarrassed with being connected to his famous brother that he does not mention him in conversation. Still unable to accept the fact that he must maintain his glamorous lifestyle on less than a dollar a month, he excused himself and went back to his den.

Barack Obama insists that he never expected his half-brother to survive on this pittance, and was quite surprised that he was found alive.

NOTE: In the search for truth, where others lose their bearings, the JOURNAL will always follow the trail until the wheels fall off. Truth, in the abstract, is just a word. That alone justifies this post.