Barackomagne: Emperor of Holy Rolling Empire

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington DC)

BULLETIN: Not since Pope Leo III crowned Charlemagne as Imperator Augustus on December 25, 800 has a man been so deified by the masses. Barackomagne is in step to follow Charles the Great, who ruled the Holy Roman Empire until he died in year 814. Charlemagne's rule is associated with the Carolingian Renaissance, a revival of art, religion and culture during those times. Today he is regarded as the father of Europe for uniting most of Western Europe for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.

Much like Pope Leo back in 800 AD, the liberal media has anointed Barack the Great as the one to bring order to the universe. In comparing the two coronations one must revisit Christmas Day in 800, where Charlemagne knelt in prayer in Saint Peter's in Rome. Pope Leo III placed a golden crown on the bowed head of the king. Like Barackomagne, King Charles is said to have been surprised by the coronation, declaring that he would not have come into the church had he known about the pope's plan.

It is said that Charlemagne, in his quest for knowledge, disdained having jesters perform during breaks. Instead he listened to visiting scholars read from learned works. Unlike Charles, Barack will listen to jesters from the Washington Post and New York Times as they formulate his policy.

Charlemagne was a reformer who tried to improve his subject's lives by setting up money standards to encourage commerce. Barackomagne will encourage commerce by raising taxes, cancelling trade agreements, and by dishing out all of our money to the banks, who won't lend it to those whose taxes were raised to bail them out.

Finally, a word of warning: As is often the case, men or women considered great by historians are great killers as well. Throughout his conquests, Charlemagne was responsible for the death of masses of infidels who refused to accept Christianity. Those who kept faith with their old gods and leaders were slaughtered.

'By the sword and the cross,' Charlemagne became master of Western Europe.