Don't Fence Me In

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Ysidro Border)

BULLETIN: Have you ever considered what event in your past, more than any other, shaped the way you think today? Some of you would probably consider the first time you had sex with a mammal with fewer than four feet on the floor as your defining moment. Those of you wearing turbans might have experienced something even more celestial the first time you locked lips with a camel. Believe me, I would still think highly of you and keep your confidence if either of the above were true. For me, however, it was the first time I tasted a taco that sent me reeling. It was back in the winter of 1962. One of my classmates at college brought some tortillas back from California after Christmas break. We prepared them basically the same as we do today. However, we used Tabasco Sauce instead of salsa to season them. Can't remember how many I wolfed down. Must have been many.

What does this remembrance from the past have to do with our present condition, you might ask. Another way of asking the same question: How many tacos does it take to make you feel compassion for the plight of 12 million illegal immigrants? What I am asking my devoted devotees and fellow far-right conspirators is that until the fence from San Diego to Brownsville, Texas is completed, that you pledge to unconditionally boycott tacos, both foreign and domestic.

If we don't win this war, our grandchildren will be picking strawberries while the Mexicans who were given your house by the Democrats, will be listening to mariachis while sucking down Pacificos and our Social Security system. Senators Boxer and Feinstein will be commuting to Mexico City to cast their votes, and the Smithsonian Museum will be turned into a chicken ranch when they throw all of our Nation's history onto the streets.

BUILD THE FENCE!

It's all about the fence, stupid

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Ysidro)

IMMIGRATION BULLETIN: United States Senate saves country by doing nothing. Despite the fact that President Bush joined Arizona Senator John McCain(R) and Senator Lindsey Graham(R) of South Carolina and the pink bellied liberal Democrats in trying to shove a bogus Immigration Bill down our throats, we have survived yet another attempt to circumvent the will of the people.

Anyone with the common sense of a domestic turkey understands that the greatest threat to our democracy is the lack of control of our borders. Even though citizens of almost every country in the world vilify us and spit in our faces, they all want to come to our great country for some reason. What we need to find out is whether that reason is to find work or blow us to Hell.

Most of us were under the assumption that Congress approved and the President signed a bill to place a 850 mile fence on our southern border. Even though Dr. BILLINGSGATE suggested a cheaper and more efficient method of border control (Digging a moat from San Diego to Brownsville, Texas and staffing it with under employed alligators from Florida), I went along with the fence concept, allowing that although my model culled out women and children more efficiently, the fence wouldn't provide a breeding ground for mosquitoes.

So what happened to the fence? Congressman Duncan Hunter from San Diego reported that last month he told President Bush that to date, only 2 miles of fencing had been built. Bush said that he would "look into the matter." Sure, Dude. It now is apparent that this fence building legislation and appropriation was only a delaying tactic. They tried to jam this new bill down our throats before anyone noticed that the fence wasn't being built. Even though the average American with half a load of hay in his loft figured this out, they still thought they could pull it off. Some respect, huh?

All that I can add to this is that I hope all of my devoted devotees (and I know who you are) make it clear to their representives in Washingon that they have pissed off Dr. BILLINGSGATE big time. And for all the rest of my not-so-devoted devotees, kiss my over-educated ass. I have eleven doctorates. How many do you have?